Toddler Theatrics

And the Award for Best Actress
in a Dramatic Role goes to....

My three year old has decided that life is her stage and she is determined to throw herself into the ultimate performance of her young life. Watching her, I'd have to say that she really does have potential to be her generation's best dramatic actress! She immerses herself so totally in her role that she IS the role! Her method of portrayal, her characterization, is so complete that she convinces her audience and herself of the reality and depth of the performance. All in all a powerful, moving and disturbing thing to watch.

For the first time in her life, our Oona has been afflicted with a mouth sore or singaw as we call it. And her 10 decibel pain, is my pain, is everybody's pain within a 3 mile radius.

She is The Pain.

We've all moved, as a family and as individuals, from various degrees of involvement and varying emotional reactions.

First, pity for the child who's never experienced the stinging pain of a mouth sore and its medications. Then, distress as she starts crying when it becomes unbearable for her to suffer in whimpering silence. Next, stress levels escalate in worry as nothing seems to soothe her anguish and a quick remedy isn't quick enough. Nerves begin to fray when one realizes that the child is playing it to the hilt. True it hurts but not enough to warrant full waterworks and each sentence to be punctuated by an empathic 'Owww!'. Extreme annoyance hits at this point when one realizes one has been had and the actress in question continues to ham it up for the audience that matters: Daddy (who gives in to demands to be carried around like a baby) and Grandpa (who hovers in worry, growling that his granddaughter is suffering and something MUST be done!).

Mommy and Grandma roll eyes and facepalms.

Normally when she does her whining and theater exercises, I run the gamut of talking to her through it, scolding, or ignoring it until she stops. On bad days when I'm running short on temper and she can't seem to stop, I get mad, we have a scream-fest and I ultimately send her to the corner. She usually stops, says she's sorry and says she's tired that's why she's starting to act up. We talk, make up and have quiet time or sleep.

This time, with the mouth sore, of course it's different.
Mouth sores are caused by bacteria and can happen to anyone. Oona bit her inner lip by accident and the little nip got infected. Falling asleep with her milk bottle still in her mouth and forgetting to brush her teeth did the rest. Yes, I do feel guilty for not being extra vigilant. Just this one time when I thought I could relax a little, the sore happens and we pay for it!

At first I made her gargle Bactidol, Listerine, and a salt and water solution. It was ok but then she seemed to get worse so we went to my dentist Aunt Grace who gave her an oral care gel. It seemed to work until night hit and her lip seemed to be swollen. By midnight, she couldn't fall asleep anymore as her mouth dried and as she yawned in sleep, the sore stretched and she kept waking up in pain. She even woke up Olly with her crying and as they both started crying, I wanted to cry too. It had been going on ALL DAY, the crying, whining, owww-ing...I was getting so irritated, I knew I'd reached my absolute limit. Poor RF woke up, dazed and tired because the little girls were crying and I was yelling for Oona to stop ("It's going to hurt you more!") but Oona was too far gone: really sleepy, tired, in pain, frustrated and unable to stop herself.

I wanted to go out in the middle of the night to try and find the new-fangled instant remedy that I saw at the drugstore earlier. I would have bought one right then just to give Oona some relief and us some peace, but it was out of stock. RF and I were looking at each other, my extreme annoyance breaking into exasperation and inexplicably, I felt a stupid smile on my face. The things they don't tell you about parenthood! Haha.

Desperate times. We decided for desperate measures.

I was hoping not to have to resort to the all-time favorite, old-skool remedy of putting ground tawas (alum) on the sore or gargling with it in salt and water. Hurts like h*ll but the sore would be banished in an instant. I was afraid it might further traumatize her, but in this case, prolonging the pain was probably worse. Plus, she woke up the whole household, growling Grandpa included ("Tell your Aunt to give her the strong medicine! It'll hurt once and then she'll be fine! Tawas doesn't work!").

Aunt Gly was thoughtful enough to give us a mixture already prepared with kalamansi. She squeezed kalamansi juice over ground alum and when it dried, it looked like golden brown sugar crystals. Oona was screaming, her theatrics turning into hysterics when I asked her to open her mouth for the medicine. I told her it was going to hurt but it would utlimately make her feel better.

Just a pinch but it *did* hurt like hell. And if she could swear, Oona would have put a sailor to shame and I would have grounded her for life for being a potty mouth. But all she bravely did was keep her mouth open like I asked her to while I put on the tawas, RF holding her while she cried and cried and cried :(

After a few moments, we had her gargle with water to wash out the alum. And almost instantly, the pain began to fade as her lip went numb. In a few minutes, she was quiet and when I asked her if she felt better, she was already able to reply (whimperingly) yes.

Sigh.

It took two more applications before the sore was gone completely. She still cried and groused about having to put medicine that she knew would hurt, but she was very brave and trusting enough to let me put it on her.

Writing this down now, I feel like I want to cry. It sometimes sucks to be the one to dole out the tough love. Deep down, even while she thrashed, yelled and cried, Oona trusted my word that what I would do would heal her even if it hurt her badly. Her faith in me makes me feel so small and humble. I'm sorry that it hurt or that she had to have that sore in the first place, but I'm sorrier I have to hurt her first to make her feel better.

Now she knows better than to go to bed with a bottle and without brushing. She drinks more water, especially after eating and drinking milk or juice. She says it's so her teeth will be happy and her mouth won't have germs anymore.

We now have some peace, of course and she's her sweet but spicy little self again as opposed to Olly's totally sweet nature. Her theatrics have gone back down to almost nil or only when she hasn't had her afternoon naps. What hasn't changed though, I've noticed, is that the theatrics come on when Daddy's around or Grandpa's eligible to be dragged outside to play.

Whenever that happens, I leave the menfolk to her "tender" mercies and I tune out to save my sanity! After all, that doesn't require tawas and Mommy's tough love to deal with.

Own Your Beauty, My Babies! Starting My Girls Early :)

Blogher.com came out with a campaign to change the way conversation goes when beauty is the subject. I blog about it too at Living Lusciousness. It sits so close to my heart because I'm on a personal journey to claim my own beauty from low self-esteem, bad body image and a lifetime of distorted beauty concepts. Usually, conversation centers around stereotypical concepts of beauty: "Am I pretty enough?", "Am I white or tanned enough?", "Am I skinny enough?", "Are my breasts/butt/waist/nose/height/weight/etc okay?"...

Ah, the perception of perfection. Isn't it about time we stop measuring ourselves against other people's perception of beauty?

It helps to know I'm not alone and that women all over the world are learning that it's never too late to love oneself and touch other people's lives in beautiful, positive ways. It's so heartening to note that some beauty products in the market are taking note of this surging campaign where the emphasis is on celebrating YOU, your successes, dreams and your authentic self regardless of age or ethnicity.

I know, they're trying to sell beauty in a bottle, but the message emphasis is at least on healthier living, taking care of yourself and appreciating yourself. (Let's not delve deeper than that into marketing and sales strategies, okay?) At least they're not hard-selling (that much) anymore.

On the issue of personal beauty, I've long established myself the guardian against shackling my kids to stereotypical perceptions of beauty that culture inadvertently inflicts on young minds. I don't dress them up in age-inappropriate clothes or shoes for the sake of looking trendy. Revealing tube tops, miniskirts and backless blouses?! They might catch cold or dengue. Or worse, the eye of some pedophile. Heels on kids damage their developing legs and hips, people! Unless they really need it, medically speaking! Grown women can't tolerate heels all that well either, what makes you think your toddler can?!

On that note, have you seen Toddlers and Tiaras? It's a reality-based show where beauty pageant kids are featured with their parents and the lengths they go to win. Some are as young as two years old. They are made-up, primped, bleached, put on diets and pressured to perform. The kids' baby voices asking if they're pretty enough would break your heart! The parents say that it's what the kids want, but are they even old enough to decide that? Or are they merely convinced that it's what they want because their parents have drilled it into their heads? I don't want to judge but there has to be a line somewhere. You don't just project your illusions on your kids. It's just plain wrong. Childhood is fleeting enough without you speeding it up for them!

I also steer the conversations around them AWAY from meaning-laden comments that imply sexiness or comparison with other kids ("You're so sexy!" or "You're prettier than her!"). I could get really obnoxious especially with negative stereotyping comments ("Her bridge is not high enough!" or "You're too brown!") that usually come from other people outside our usual circle. I try being polite but I'd rather be called sensitive than have ideas put into my kids' heads as tabula rasa as they are. I mean, come on, Oona's three years old and Olly's 9 months old, do we have to impose perceptions of adulthood and sexiness this early? They're only just starting gender identification, for crying out loud!

I want my kids to be proud of their strong, healthy bodies that they own and use to celebrate the life they choose with joy. I want them to be happy that they can sing, dance and play. I want them to be confident and brave enough to face the world in the healthy skin they're in, with bright shining eyes, tossing their hair, straight or curly, in the breeze, breathing through functional noses, laughing and smiling, secure in their uniqueness.

I want them to be able to focus on character rather than physical characteristics, on intellect and emotional maturity rather than if they can join beauty pageants. Sure, many would say I'm only saying this because I already know my kids have an edge over others since they're pretty, lively and bright as new pennies (Imma proud momma!). All the more should any parent be vigilant lest misplaced values go to their heads and we'll be sorry for it when they're older.

The world we live in judges by looks, that's true. But that only goes so far. You can't pretend to be more than just a face or a body for long. Sooner or later, the face value fades and bodies sag and if there's no substance to hold who you are up, it's a sad day for you.

Let's teach the kids that they better have something else to sustain them through anything that comes their way after wrinkles or an intellectual challenge appears!

And if joining a beauty pageant comes to be part of their personal journey, let it be for the right reasons and their choice rather than my own projections of frustrated dreams.

In the meantime, let's let them be kids and cherish their childhood as it should be cherished, teaching them to own their unique beauty and individual perfection!

Mommy's Little Big Helper

I promised Oona that we'd allocate some space in our room for us to "practice schooling". Going to a big school is a dream of hers and "practicing" for it is her motivation for a lot of things. I'm teaching her that preparing for it is just as important as actually going. This means practicing her listening skills, learning how to follow rules and instructions, and putting things in their proper places among other things.

So a few weeks ago, we fixed up a corner in the room to be our designated "school area". I told her she'd best help me because it's part of getting ready to go to a real school. The room was a holy mess anyway with all her stuff strewn about, so now was as good a time as any! We brought out her little plastic worktable and chairs and I let her have my collapsible storage boxes to put all her things in.

Fixing up!

She picked up all her stuff, segregated the hard toys from the soft toys and put the legos, puzzles and blocks in their respective "houses" (containers where they 'live') . She even helped me fix her books and put aside those that Olly could already inherit.

That done, we threw away broken toys, junk paper and debris, swept and mopped; and put her baby dolls to sleep on top of the toy boxes.

I guess that activity helped concretize a lot of things for her, two major concepts I was gunning for being the importance of preparation and helping out.

Nowadays, she's taken up other ways of helping without any prompting from anyone. I know that half of that helpfulness comes from curiosity and wanting to be involved in absolutely everything (sometimes to the point of exasperation on my part!). But what makes my little momma's heart swell with motherly love and pride is when she says she wants to help and you know she just really wants to.

'Mom, I want to help wichoo!', then off like a shot sometimes without even waiting for me to answer. Often like predictive text, she'll just hand me whatever she's previously observed me needing for that particular activity she's assisting me with. Mostly it's with taking care of Olly and cooking noodles she likes to help me out with. She'd get me diapers and wipes, advise me to put jelly on her sister's butt ('So no rashes, Mom!') and distract olly with funny faces or a toy while i wrestle a diaper on. When it's reading time, she'd get a book for herself and one for olly.

Recently, Olly fell off the bed while I was so weak from a really bad tooth pain. Oona scrambled out of bed and marched calmly downstairs to inform Lola that she needed the ice pack because Olly fell. She also got me medicine and a water bottle because my teeth hurt. She recommended I brush my teeth so that they'll be happy too; after which, she insisted on being Doctor Oona and put the medicine in my mouth and giving me water to drink. Then she kissed little sobbing Olly and said, 'It's okay, sweetheart!'.

I wanted to cry! I haven't totally been a monster at all *sniff* Seems I'm doing something right!



Assistant Chef Oona



She likes to participate in cooking too, whether it's helping Lola peel vegetables, piling the chopped vegetables in a bowl or putting the peelings in a container for the organic waste bin. With me, she's in charge of the spice rack and handing me the noodles or macaroni to put in boiling water. I let her stir on occasion too when there's no danger of anything hot spilling. Watching Safety Patrol on Playhouse Disney helps a lot because she's very careful and conscious about safety measures around the house. She also tries to help wash dishes with Daddy (she's in charge of putting them on the dish rack to dry), holding the dust pan when Lola cleans the floor (Oona bids for the broom or mop but she makes more of a mess) and helps fold and put away our clean laundry. She sometimes wears our clean laundry on her head first or pretends that the socks are long gloves. She's still a baby, after all! Play is still a central part of her life!

Oona also packs away after playing, turns off the tv after watching and makes sure her shoes and slippers are neatly in their proper place. She sets the table, puts water from the dispenser in the drinking glasses and calls everyone to the table to eat.

Automatically, she shares anything she eats with Olly who is now a very adventurous eater ('Mommy, pwede kay Olly ato?' or 'Mommy can Olly eat this?') and puts her bowl in the sink when she's done. She volunteers to change Olly too when I'm getting them ready for bed. Of course she can't, but she manages to help get pyjamas for both of them, take Olly's shirt off, put dirty clothes in the hamper ('Dirty na 'to, Mommy?') and change her own clothes.

Gosh...

I can go on and never finish this entry as every day brings a new revelation. Little things to us other people but accomplishments to her and milestones worthy of pride for me. They may be everyday, ordinary things but it's showing me that my little girl is not only practising for her school days, she's really getting ready for independent life in general. I can only hope I do a good enough job of equipping her for that!

Now if I can be sure that I'll be ready for her independepence! Ayayay! :)

Monkey See, Monkey Do



My baby's growing up!
Seriously considering what
she likes from the menu at Pizza Hut.



Nowadays, I see a lot of signs that my three year old is truly growing by leaps and bounds. When they say that children are sponges and clean slates, I think no further than Oona as proof. And growing up around a 'colorful' group of adults is certainly adding to her growing repertoire of character quirks.

Getting frustrated earlier because her slippers wouldn't stay on her foot, she exclaims, 'What the hey?!' (That's from me.) *Sigh*

Watching cartoons, she non-chalantly crossed her legs in so lady-like a manner, you'd think she was having tea with the queen. (My mother.)

Building a tower of blocks to an unsustainable height, the structure crashes because the fan blew on it. She lets out a roar of anger at the fan, saying, 'You see?!' Then she stomps away to a sulk on a chair. (Anything I say now, can and will be used against me...so I will keep my peace!)

I so worry all the time that she would be thrust into social situations wherein her "performance" would be scrutinized and when she's not at her best, she'll be punished for it. Of course, I'm terrified I'll be blamed for it and judged! Tell me, who isn't? I'm actually afraid that I might not be a good enough mom for her and she suffers for my negligence!

I don't want to be a helicopter parent though, so I'm trying my best not to be anal retentive. You know, just be cool...and not panic when she pretends not to listen or throws a drama queen fit.

*Sigh* AGAIN.

Needless to say, it's not all bad habits that she absorbs. So imagine my relief...



With Olly and Lolo Lem

 When Olly cries, Oona hurries over and coos, "It's okay, Olly! Don't cry, my sweetheart!" And pats and kisses her.

When friends and family came to visit, she trundles out the biscuits, bread and pesters me for candy. I thought at first it was because she wanted to eat them all, but I was speechless when she offered them to our guests and said, "For you. Please come eat at the table." (Proud mommy moment!)

She also sees departing guests to the door, saying "Goodbye! Take care!".

When at the grocery, she would get yogurt for herself and then say she wants another one "for her uncle because it's his favorite too!" Then proceeds to get stuff from the shelves that she knows the other people on the family would like and calls them her "Surprise!".

*Sigh* I could go on all day about the incredible things she's done and said, but I'm tearing up already! :)

So okay, I think I remember more happy, positive imitations that Oona does of the people around her. Thank goodness! Writing them down helps remind me that she's going to be okay.

I guess, the important thing is to call out and process the negative stuff with her in such a way that she understands. Then affirm and applaud the positives. :) AAAAAnd remember to be on our best behaviour all the time too! Role modeling is the best teaching aid there is.

Lolz...When I was young, I wanted to be a commercial model. I still do...but little did I know I'd be one as a mother to my daughters! Role-modeling!

Now if only I could learn to be less anxious if I'm doing a good job of raising good people! I wonder if that can ever happen as long as I'm a mom! :)

Bedtime Snuggles

Right now I'm once again squashed between a rolly polly Olly and fast-growing coltish Oona, all rosy cheeked and gangly legs. Under a thick yellow comforter, we snuggle together for our afternoon nap. Christmas is just around the corner and it's drizzling outside, so even though the A/C's on low, it's nippy enough to warrant the cozy, soft nest we made with the comforter.

As the kids doze off, I remember how it was when I was a kid. My grandmother had a huge bed in her large airy room. She had a pink chenille bedspread that I always fell asleep on. I was supposed to slip under it but it was so inviting to roll around on. There was a bamboo grove right outside the window and since the wind would rustle through the leaves, I was asleep before I knew it. I always woke up refreshed and ready for play.

Sugar (Olly) and Spice (Oona)
right before the afternoon nap :)

On my next shopping expedition, I'm thinking of getting more of these beddings. Not only are they lovely to snuggle in with the babies, they also make great caves for little bears (or tigers, Oona says) and padding for Olly who loves sliding from the bed to the floor. Since I have the plain and floral ones, I'll get a polka dot comforter next with different colored circles in different sizes. Olly is into prints right now and it's also how I taught Oona shapes when she was Olly's age.

My daughters are deep in slumber now. I'm actually using my cellfone to type this as they're snuggled up to me that I can't move without waking them up. *Sigh* I'm nearly ready to doze off myself! It's so comfy here with their fresh baby scents enveloping me and the warmth of our nest. Maybe, I'll snip off a little piece of this comforter when it's past its prime and keep it in a keepsake box. That way, I'll have something tactile to keep the memory of our wonderful times together.

I really wonder how my kids would remember their afternoons with me when they're older. Right now, I'd like to take this moment and this feeling of contentment, wrap it up and keep it in my heart. When I'm old and gray and feeling lonely, all I have to do is take out that memory and feel the warmth again. I love these girls so much!

I'm Feeling A Bit Put-Out

Motherhood and making a home can sometimes feel like you're living in isolation.

Take today for instance. Since I'm housebound and the 98% willing prisoner of my darling duo, I try to have a life online. So opening my various social networking websites, I find status messages littered with the excitement of having a life offline. Events, dates, trips, shopping sprees, spa adventures, parlor appointments, marathons, book sales, seminars, forums, lessons and cooking classes. You name it, I've probably read about it on someone's status message.

And I am green with envy and blue with longing.

It didn't use to be this way. Probably that's why sometimes the funk hits me extra hard.

Time either flies or stops
when you're a SAHM.

Staying home was an unforseen development in my present incarnation. I quit working when circumstances pulled the rug from under me but I really opted out of pursuing anything career-oriented afterwards. After all, I've been working for almost half my life so I felt it was as good a time as any to "retire" for awhile. I stayed home to raise the girls and be homemaker, mommy and wife. No yaya. After the episode with Oona's willful yaya, I'm fine with asking help from my mom and sister. (If the girls are going to pick up any bad habits, let it be mine. I'm working on not having any too, by the way! Helluva job, but that 'What the hey!' Oona picked up from me means trouble in the future, I just know it.)

Stripping away the work element exposed more woodwork and forced me to really define myself without the external veneer of the titles I used to hold. It wasn't easy and it scared me at first. Working had been most of my life and gave my days purpose. What and who would I be without it?

Embracing the change took awhile and it's still a work in progress. Generally I'm happy to say I have never felt lighter in years. I was surprised that I would come to look at it as an exciting interlude. An adventure before another adventure begins, after the kids are grown and I can do some serious damage to the creative world again.

But then there are days like these when life out of the career lane feels like the world is just passing me by. The mommy lane feels faster sometimes when I have to deal with running after the girls, running after schedules, running the house and most often, running late with everything! Always running. Then suddenly everything quiets down and I fall right smack into this funk when I realize that all that running I do is in a small circle revolving around the girls.

My life is a one-ring circus. Sometimes. Like today.

*Sigh* I think I'll go lobby for a hug. Offline.

No Awards For Me Yet

Hubby's on a business trip, I'm on a diet and me and the babies are sniffly, coughing and feverish.

Sick kids love being babied and my girls are like any other kid in the world. They're fussy, drooly, snotty and will generally drive you insane. They wake up all hours of the night and when they BOTH have fevers, you run the whole gamut of human emotion from annoyance, pity and exasperation to joy and relief when the temperature goes down. Now when they both cry, you either run for the hills or pick them both up.

Such was my drama for the past week. Daddy was in Malaysia for work so when my mom, dad and sister are asleep, it's for me to stay up and be Florence Nightingale. I also started my diet so adjusting to the new state of my food intake has shortened my temper and patience. I still count the three times I lost it this week as progress though. With the usual stresses coupled with the new factors present, I think I did pretty okay. (Just don't ask my mom who's usually the witness to my tirades.) More often than not, Oona and discipline issues are what get me really fired up. She doesn't mean to be willful, but she's quite the little chatter box pixie! I swear she wears me down! It's frustrating for me that I can barely keep up with her speed and energy.

She makes me think of actually getting a nanny. My mom, on the other hand, reminded me that if I lose patience with Oona, I can't expect the nanny to have more of it than I can give. That's true, that's why I've been working on my temper issues. Not for the nanny, but for Oona, so that I can teach her how to properly channel her frustrations, tantrums and hyperactivity. And not fly into a passion as I and others in the family are wont to do.

Children are really mirrors of how well we act. They can't help it, they will imitate and emulate what they see and hear from the established role models. Being parents, it's our responsibility to set good examples of the values we want them to grow up with. We watch every word, every action and every scenario to block out the bad, affirm every good lesson and run a darn good explanation why some things are contradictory to what you teach but are still okay. Like, it's bad to say "What the hey!" when she says it but it's better than saying "What the h*ll!"...So much for pressure, huh?

I'm really envious of moms and dads who are so in the parenting zone. Even RF's more in the zen of parenting than I am, although I still think the girls have him wrapped around their little fingers. It's exasperating how Oona would appeal to his softer nature with tears in her eyes and wobbly lip after I dissuade her from something. It's adorable but exasperating :) I keep saying I'm the court of last resort and no one's higher than the Supreme Court. Not even the grandparents, my parents, can top my decisions regarding them.

While I do understand that I'm teaching Oona that there are limits and rules, I still lament the fact that I deplore my own short fuse.

I want Oona to be better at life than I am but she seems to be growing up faster than I'm maturing. Don't you ever wonder who's really raising who? Is it you bringing the kids up or other way around? I can't say it's her fault for being my first born, my first foray into parenting and it's her luck to be the guinea pig. It shouldn't be like that and I find it a poor excuse or reason.

Maybe someday I'll find that I did do right by her and Olly and that my trying to be a good parent worked after all. Maybe someday I can look forward to those "Best Mommy Awards" and feel that I really do deserve it. For now, all I can do is try to wing it one day at a time, hold on to my temper, stretch out my patience (diet or no diet) and understand that though it may be my first time to parent, it's Oona's first time being a kid and I should show her that it's great to be one!

Have A Party In Your Pajamas...Forget You're Mom (For Awhile)

Okay, I'll say it for all those who feel guilty for even thinking it: Yes, I want to forget I'm Mommy and get REALLY happy drunk JUST ONE TIME.

Especially when the kids just came from being sick, one after the other twice over, coupled with teething tantrums for a total of not one, not two, but *drumroll please!* FOUR WEEKS OF PURE PARENTING H*LL. Minimal sleep at night, toddler meltdown, throwing up, infant crisis (damn teeth won't just come out and get it over with!) and another two front teeth coming out. Oh, and starting solid food too.

Yeah, yeah, some people have it rougher but I'm not other people. You know you've thought it too.

Some days you just want to have a happy buzz at the end of the day like you used to when you were still a working stiff doing 8am-5pm and happy hour starts at 6pm. Just enough time for a good dinner and then off to the videoke bar for your favorite poison.

Nowadays, Happy Hour is when the little tots fall asleep. Buuuuuut, you usually fall asleep ten seconds after they do. Bwahahahaha :D

However, for those with older kids...Well, my friends over at LaForce sent me a heads up about this French liqueur. Mmmm...just saying French and liqueur is making my taste buds buzz! Sounds so smooth, rich, creamy and sooo heady! :D

 
Intensely unique and inviting, Alizé liqueurs infuse premium French Vodka with nectars of luscious fruits from the world's most exotic regions, from the jungles of Brazil, the lush hillsides of Chile to the tropical shores of pacific islands. Alizé is delicious on the rocks or served in martinis, cosmopolitans, margaritas and mimosas. Uncork the possibilities with Alizé!

NEW YORK, NY (July 27, 2010) -- Alizé, the original premium passion fruit liqueur imported from France, is pleased to announce an exciting brand enhancement of its popular line of passion fruit based liqueur products. Seamlessly transitioning to a vodka-based spirit, the portfolio of Alizé’s distinct, all natural fruit flavors will provide superior mixibility without compromising its signature taste. Due to overwhelming consumer demand, the full line, which includes Alizé Red Passion, Alizé Gold Passion, Alizé Wild Passion, Alizé Rose Passion and Alizé Bleu Passion, will now be made exclusively from exotic passion fruit, all natural exotic fruit juices and remarkably smooth premium French vodka.

Introduced to the United States from France by Kobrand Corporation in 1986, the Alizé product line boasts five delicious flavors made from all natural ingredients that stand alone or blend beautifully with other premium spirits and mixers. Whether blended into margaritas, shaken in martinis, used to elevate dangerously delicious punches or drizzled atop Champagne, Alizé is a must-have for any quality bar or club.

"Alizé is embraced by a contemporary, multi-cultural audience while enjoying an Urban edge and universal appeal” says Alizé Brand Manager Cheryl Talley. “The Alizé consumer is sophisticated, successful and sexy – true tastemakers that are always several steps ahead of the next “it” thing, whether it be in fashion, music or nightlife. We are pleased to offer a fresh spin on our classic line of products in an effort to continually meet the specific demands of our discerning consumers.”

All Alizé products are 16% ABV and retail at $19.99 for 750 ml and $23.99 for 1 liter. For more information on the Alizé product line and recipe ideas, please visit http://www.alize.com/.

So, for all you Mommies and Daddies who can grab these lovelies, please toast to us who are breastfeeding (hence an alcohol ban) and would be stuck fantasizing about this for the time being! Check back on me as I'll be posting some recipes you can easily whip up with Alizé and common household weapons - er, ingredients :D Mix 'em, put your feet up and drink 'em down :D Or turn up the radio or the iPod (to a safe, sleeping-child-sensitive volume) and dance in your pajamas and let your inner diva out of hibernation.

Just for awhile. :)

A Price On Your Head

Being a mom really rewires your head somehow. For the survival of the species, I suppose, parenthood produces organic mind-altering drugs and suddenly makes the synapses in your brain fire differently from what you thought was already your hard-wiring.

I always thought along the lines of, 'I'm an artist, math is not my friend and I have no head for business.' Not so now, because of the kids.

In the first place, being an artist is never a reason or an excuse not to know your rights and your own commercial value. It's part of protecting oneself and ensuring that you have resources to maintain a quality of life comfortable enough to enable you to keep on doing what you enjoy.

Knowing your rights protects you from greedy and unscrupulous people out to make money from your honest sweat. EDUCATE YOURSELF. Read up on Intellectual Property Rights, that's a start! What's a few hours spent on reading compared to a lifetime of regret? Find out how to register your work, be it an idea, invention, process, tangible or intangible. Watch out for seminars on the subject and talk to people, especially lawyers. Hire a lawyer if your stature demands it or you can well afford it.

Philippine Intellectual Property Office
Intellectual Property Code of the Philippines
Intellectual Property Protection in the Philippines

When you're aware of your rights, it will be easier to determine your correct commercial value. I know it sounds like you're a piece of meat. Well, make no bones about it, YOU ARE. And it's a competitive market out there. You are selling yourself, your service, your product.

Under or overvaluing yourself are huge problems for any artist. Market value stems from studying your rights, your product or service AND your competition. Slash current market trends.

What the heck do I mean?

When you undervalue yourself or your product, and you sell cheaper than you should, you only send the message that you're insecure about your skills. Especially when people see how incredibly talented you are. That's sad in itself, really. You open yourself to being taken advantage of, being arm-twisted into lowering your prices because you seem desperate for the job. It's putting them in control of the situation wherein there should be a mutual respect and balance in the first place. There would be doubt as well that even if your portfolio looks impressive, you may not be giving it your all since you're throwing it away for peanuts. You also bring the floor price of the entire industry down. The thought that someone managed a huge job on a few pesos causes a lot of problematic questions. Most of the time, quality suffers and people are forced to bring their prices down even if overhead expenses stay the same. Loss or lugi. And beware your personal safety and reputation when people find out you're the juggernaut that started the crash.

Of course if it's discounts and personal favors for a job we're talking about, that's a different story. But beware of that too. People love to haggle or assume that you would automatically give a discount or even do it for free especially when you're friends or when you're just starting. Treat discounts and freebies as you would a secret super power. It's a power you would only use when the occasion merits it and with utmost discretion. You're running a business, not a charity. Spot the free loaders and sic some good verbal kung-fu on them. Don't forget your manners, okay? Be polite, firm but gracious as you need to maintain a good image and you don't need the bad juju :) Don't give in to the pressure or fear that they won't buy from you. You are not begging for patronage. The world is a huge place, someone ought to like or need what you have. It also makes people feel special when you do give freebies and discounts. They're more likely to come back for more and bring others with them because you were able to make a special connection with them. I hope that made sense!

Overvaluing or overpricing on the other hand could drive customers and clients away. Of course there's the off chance that you could single-handedly drive up industry prices but unless you're God's gift to your particular job description, don't bet on it. You can be easily replaced by a dozen with the same skill set and cheaper demands. Besides, there's the bigger pressure for performance according to how much you're being paid. If you really deserve it, props to you! But if you don't, the resulting fall can reverberate through the next few jobs. You don't want that, right?

So how do we put a price on our heads?

Read. Research. Talk to people. Use the net. Find out how much others are charging. Look up the highest and lowest asking price and hit an average. Compare your folio with these people and see what pricing bracket you could fall under. If you're starting but think you can compete with the ones asking for higher pay-out, go for it! :)

Attend business seminars to find out how MONEY WORKS FOR YOU. You'll be amazed at so many simple solutions rooted in common sense out there remain unused. Break out of the mentality that you have to work for your money and turn it around to work for you.

Always price right!

Mathematics isn't even a problem. That's what calculators are for! Lolz. And accountants too, by the way. Aside from lawyers, talking to accountants reveal a lot you can do to augment the income you generate on a monthly basis. Any bank would be happy to accomodate your questions if you don't personally know an accountant. And those paycheck deductions that go to your housing, social security and health insurance funds? Ah! You DO have so much, you just don't know it.

So in a nutshell, I thought I wouldn't ever have a head for business until my kids showed me otherwise. When you're a mom, you want to ensure your kids have what they need for a good future. And let's face it, you need money to do that.

Educate yourself. Know your rights. Know your value. Empower yourself.

Philippine Intellectual Property Office
Intellectual Property Code of the Philippines
Intellectual Property Protection in the Philippines

Online Copyright Protection

I Got A Gazillionaire Mind

To quote Money On My Mind Lyrics by Lil Wayne, "I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind!" Or Billionaire by Travis McCoy and Bruno Mars, "I wanna be a billionaire so freakin' bad..."

Well, why not? And why stick to mere millions? Go big time while you're at it! Upsize to billions! Upgrade to trillions! Boggle the mind with bazillions! There ARE no limits. Those stop signs only exist in your fears. And while the right kind of fear keeps you safe, the wrong kind stops you from seizing opportunities. Sometimes these things require a leap of faith, to jump before you're sure you can fly. It all starts in your head though. Once you realize EVERYTHING, even seemingly negative events, detours and uphill climbs, are all OPPORTUNITIES, nothing can stop you. Keep your eye on that cheese and move with it when it moves, all the while steadily moving closer to it until it's all yours. Believe in opportunity and keep moving!

Sure money doesn't grow on trees. But who said it can't? Who said you can't carpet the floor with it, roll around in it and make like a ticker tape parade raining money confetti on you while you make money angels on the floor?

What a dream, ain't it? :) It's up to you to make it real. Dreams are the first step. Have the fire to give it life! Everything around us started that way. Even this blogging application. Someone somewhere dreamed this up and is now making money angels in his or her living room. Heck, Facebook and SM started with a dream.

So what are your dreams and what are you doing to claim that cheese?

Sanity Blogging

In between snorting down food like a vacuum cleaner, sprinting to the bathroom for personal necessities whenever the kids permit, attempting to sidestep parenting pitfalls with raising the toddler and being the infant's chew toy, I somehow manage to blog.

How the hell does one fit blogging among all the million other things already crammed into the day?

I have NO frikkin' idea.

All I know is, if I can update my stat messages, I can probably blog. I realized I've been micro-blogging at plurk and facebook anyway, so might as well REAALLY blog, right?

Besides, if I don't create some quiet space for myself, I *will* go nuts. I mean, I love being a SAHM but when you begin spending the day in pajamas, smell like stale milk (and don't even know it), tune out when the kids do a hyperactive chorus and you can't wait until the sweet little things are knocked out for the day, IT IS TIME FOR A BREAK.

It can really get overwhelming. With all the love in the world alive in your heart, you will still have days when you just want to scream. Or not talk at all. Silence can be so precious when you have a toddler who has just realized the wonder of words and how to generate an endless stream of questions.

Blogging makes one feel connected to the self, like you can hear your own thoughts again. You somehow feel connected to other people too when someone comments and shares sentiments with you, albeit online. It's also a fine substitute to talking to yourself if you're hankering for adult company. At least with blogging, nobody's going to think you're cuckoo because you're pretending to talk to someone at an attempt at adult conversation. So, I blog.

But if you find yourself hearing voices or your babies begin sounding like Stewie to you, GET HELP. Lolz.

I do envy the super moms who can breeze through the day without a crease, frown or wrinkle on perfect faces, dresses or figures (nor a prescription for sedative of choice). While I'm lucky enough to have my family around me to help and I married a man who's brave enough to face laundry, I still wish there were more hours in the day AND there was two of me. AT LEAST two, with an option for a third clone. Someone please tell me the perfect home maker does not exist without a battalion of nannies, secretaries, aides and maids!

If budget permits, my conviction says I would hire a maid as support staff, but not a nanny. I still feel that my kids are mine to raise, fuss over, yell at and with.

Anyhoo...

So. How sane are you today?

Parallel Universes - What If?

Let's play pretend.

In a parallel universe far, far away, I am still single at 31. I may or may not have a steady boyfriend, but I sure am not lonely. I go out with friends, officemates or by myself to clubs on most nights just because I can. I'm a known regular, on first name basis with the doorman, bartender and staff of more than one bar and I have my own tab.

I'm an executive at an advertising agency or a production house. I do paperwork but can pull my own weight on the field. I secretly want to be Indiana Jones so I'm taking up my anthropology masters degree.

When I'm not at work, school or living it up, I can be found at home. I have my own pad. Small but all mine. Next door are my best friends. We bought the property and divided it among ourselves. I read, write, paint or draw when the muse so moves me. I enjoy a glass of wine on the patio and a good conversation when my friends are around as well.

On weekends, I go to the beach whenever I can. Surfing season finds me leaving work on Friday to head straight to the surfing camp four hours away. I arrive at night, have a good dinner and sleep til dawn when I wake to catch a good wave.

My family lives in the same house we've lived in since we were kids. I spend weekends there every other week or they go to the beach with me. I have nieces and nephews and godchildren galore so the family home is a riot especially on sundays.

I retire by 45, squirreling away funds to buy property and set up a business. I grow to a venerable old age living on an island 5 minutes by outboard from the mainland, surrounded by trees, ocean and my p's: poetry, pantings and pottery. I die peacefully in my sleep.

A nice, tidy, colorful existence. But no RF. And definitely a given, no Oona or Olly. I wouldn't even have known how it would feel to wake up at odd hours, be bone tired or as frustrated as Oona in the middle of a communication crisis. I won't worry about pedia visits, vaccines, hospitals or natural remedies. There would be no child-made messes, poopy diapers and I would always smell good. Not like right now, you'd know I'm *this* deep in milk, toddler snot and diapers!

But it would be a given too, that there wouldn't be good morning kisses or hugs just because. There wouldn't be silly nonsense games where you both end up laughing. No tickling before bed. No amazement at every little thing. No excitement and wonder that comes so easy for children and how generously they share it with you.

I guess it depends on how you look at it. On one hand, ignorance could be bliss. On the other, I may have lost something infinitely better and was never the wiser for it. Who knows?

Anyhoo, that's one parallel universe for me. I know I got a lot of alternate realities in existence out there.

So what's yours? :)

I Miss You, Mom.

Oona said it in such a clear, small voice with the simple sadness as can only come from a child. I suppose my heart will just keep on breaking whenever I recall how forlorn she looked, complete with trembling lower lip and tear-filled eyes.

I sometimes forget how much of a baby she still is and that she still drinks from a bottle.

She amazes me so much, each and every day.

It's my fault she also says she's sad a lot these days. I know I'm tired all the time and I've been caring for Olly more than I've been able to attend to Oona. It's no excuse. It's not that I've been neglecting her, I just don't have as much time, energy and patience as I used to. I know that other moms are busier but are successful at the balancing act but I'm just barely keeping it together.

I really wish I could split myself in two equal parts now that Oona's growing up and simply exploding with energy, questions, new ideas and emotions. I really wish my powers could extend my physical, emotional and intellectual stamina to encompass both of the girls. I really wish I could change relationship gears at lightning speed between adult, toddler and infant. I really wish there was more of me to go around. The BEST of me always.

But right now I feel really horrible. I'm such an ogre when I lose my temper. I yell, I lash out. I can be such a bitch. Yes, to a three year old.

Now this same forlorn little girl just carefully covered me up, sharing her big blanket because she knows it's cold and my feet freezes. Then she snuggles up to me under the covers and says she wants to hug.

I really, really, REALLY feel guilty now.

Moving To The Front Row

Change seems to be the theme for the rest of the year for me. Not just any change, mind you. Significant ones.

While I've had many, many changes in my life, both big and small, I can only count a few that I've truly decided upon, taken charge of and did not just leave up to fate.

Oona, Olly and Mommy

When Oona blew out the candles for her 3rd birthday last August 15, I couldn't help feeling that my baby was growing up too fast for me! Huffy puffy Mommy trying desperately to catch up with her mile-a-minute mind, rapid-fire questions and road-runner legs. Let's not forget 6 month old butterball Olly, challenging time and human evolution by constantly trying to crawl and stand ahead of schedule and fly off the bed, in defiance of gravity. It takes all the mommy powers I can muster to last the day with these two bundles of energy! So as Oona's candles poofed out, the idea of a change that MUST happen flared to life. I wanted to be more involved in the laughter and fun in their lives. I don't want to just exist from chore to chore, duty to duty, stretching what I had to cover what needed to be done for the kids. I wanted to have more out of the relationship we share. I didn't want to be too tired to enjoy being with them.

Really, most days, I'm too pooped to be fun, I'm short-tempered and more of an ogre than I care to admit. Sound familiar, anyone?

Like most mothers, our priorities revolve around the kids, our husbands and partners, our families. We put ourselves, by default, in second, third and even last place. But our roles, quite by paradox, always demand that we be at the front line of everything for the family. Yes, like soldiers.

We barely even have time for ourselves like we used to because there's the guilt that every available time and attention should be invested in the kids, the husband and the family or else you're not being a good wife or mother.

That's not fair, is it? Does that sound like your internal dialogue?

Let's be realistic. We can't expect others to take care of us. It would be great, yes! But we have to take the initiative to do things for ourselves. We can't expect martyrdom or a shaft of light from heaven transforming us into perfection. You'd have to be dead, I think and I want to be alive to enjoy myself.

In a nutshell, I want enough of me to go around and have something left for ME. I don't want to feel run down
anymore because I should be enjoying myself and the time I have with the kids. I know they won't be babies for long and sooner than I would like to, they'll be spreading their wings to fly solo. So for a change, I think I ought to put myself in the front row of my life, our family's life!

I want more. I want the place of privilege I know I deserve.

To be there not just as a frontliner at the trenches, but sitting pretty, joining in the fun and laughter, making good, happy memories, watching my kids and my family bloom and grow from my plush front row seat.

I am daring to be in front.

IT'S AWESOME TO BE ALIVE!

So it HAS been a long long LONG time since i've really blogged. Now that oona's a blur of activities and well-spring of questions, and olly's becoming quite the crawler, it's a wonder i can still think straight, let alone write! I'm guessing i do need this outlet to feel like i haven't totally given up my brain cells to the evolution of the species.

Anyhoo, spring cleaning through my drafts, i came across this entry from last year :) it's unfinished so i'll just fill you all in about what happened later on in succeeding posts :)

***
7 july 2009

This month saw us incredibly busy. I could only check emails, plurk and facebook occasionally. Now that my hubby and our energizer bunny of an offspring is on their weekly visit to Lola Mamang, I have finally the time to sit and blog.

It used to be that blogging is the past time/hobby, but I find that it serves me pretty much like reading or my journal writing when pen and ink were the norm. I only wish I could have my own little laptop so I can do the writing under some trees like I used to. Oh well, for now I'm stuck in front of a computer surrounded by wires and airconditioned - er, air.

So anyway, updates! I've been a busy little mommy this past few and I'm happy with the way everything's turned out. Exhausting as this past month has been, I can say that fixing up the family house and having our own room has truly been worth the sweat and late nights.

On to the family report! :)

I. Oona

My Oonapotpot has been an intense bundle of development this past month. She's developed a YouTube ABC binge quite suddenly and can more or less "sing" with you by now. I usually let her watch Sesame Street, Nursery Rhymes or whatever hits her fancy on YouTube while I work on another window. Then one day she just kept asking for the ABC song over and over again! "'Sa pa! 'Sa pa!" It didn't matter if different artists sang it or there were different renditions and accompanying visuals, she wanted it. We actually came across a frog saying the alphabet in french. Curious, I let it play on and was amazed when Oona listened and repeated the letters after the frog did! French! Well, phonetically it's almost the same but still, I was so proud of her. :) Even before going to sleep she's added the ABC song to her sleepy time repertoire along with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I Have Two Hands and Eensy Weensy Spider.

Another time, she somehow figured out that batteries make some of her toys run and to open the panel, a screw driver is needed. She asked me to open one toy and while I was absentmindedly trying to open it with my nail, she disappears and pops up later, handing me a screwdriver! I didn't even know she was aware of the tool and its use, let alone where to get it! I was just so amazed, I couldn't stop praising her! I even plurked it, proud momma that I was!

We've lately moved her to her own cot, just right next to our bed. She's shown an awareness of having her own space so I took it as a cue that it was time to introduce her to the concept of her own sleeping area. So far, we haven't had any problems or tantrums about it. Of course it helps that the change is gradual since we're just right there next to her since our beds are on the floor, within cuddling distance. I know it sounds like there isn't any difference, but trust me, there is! She knows where she's supposed to be and where Mommy and Daddy are. But sometimes, especially on early mornings, she groggily rolls over from her side to our side. She would crawl over me to squeeze between me and Daddy for a longer, snugglier snooze. She is still our baby after all! :D

II. Dos

With that in mind, we had another motive for starting Oona on her own bed. Like I said, I've been a very busy Mommy and in more ways than one! Apparently, the healthy diet at my mother's house and the exercising I'm doing has done more than enough for my body. I lost weight!!! YEY! I can fit in my regular jeans (not my fat pants) and my corsets again! And I can keep up with Oona's running. YAY! :D AAAAAnnnnd...I am officially a few weeks preggo.

SURPRISE!!! :):):)

We weren't expecting another baby so soon! I mean, we've been talking about giving Oona a baby brother or sister and what it would feel like to have a son or another daughter. We just didn't think the stars would align, my body would permit and nature would grant us another baby at this time. It's just too mind-blowing! I can't stop smiling :D

My only pseudo-regret is that I haven't had the chance to make good my promise that I'd wear a bikini for summer! Now, just when I've begun to lose the flab, I'm going to be wearing a lot more flabby, flappy parts in about a few months time. *SIGH* I'll be a human balloon again.

On the upside, I've been wondering how it would feel to have a baby move inside me again. What new discoveries would this lead me to? Would the experience be the same as the first time? Would this be harder or easier? What would i crave now?

***
Now fast forward to about a year later! What a time capsule! :)

Motherlode of guilt

"Oona fell on her face from a chair, as I was turning out my innards in the loo. She had a puffy eye that turned rainbow colors as the swelling went down over the next few days. Meanwhile, she managed to cut her finger on a disposable razor blade that she managed to dig out of my sister's vanity bag. By the time we saw what she was playing with and grabbed it from her, we were too late and she'd already nicked herself. She didn't mind the bleeding or the betadine, she didn't cry at all! But she raised hell with the band-aid. Like when she fell, she cried from the surprise of having fallen and well, she did put up a brave face but my heart broke when I heard her cry."

I remember this from last year, March 18, 2009. I don't remember the details anymore but I do remember the gnawing guilt. Should I have done something before she fell? Should I have foreseen it? What could I do? What should I have done?

No matter how much we try to protect them, our kids will always manage to do something that would hurt themselves. Overly child-proofing the whole house could work, but really! That might be bordering on the neurotic and the kids would probably need therapy in the future.

I think the best we can do is teach them to be careful. To think things through. To be aware. And how to get back up when they do get hurt. It applies to how to deal with the trips and falls in life too, right?

In the meantime, while they're learning, us parents have to learn to let go and let them learn. We also have to learn how to forgive ourselves when accidents happen (because they really do). However, for sure, one thing we can never learn is how to teach our hearts not to break when we hear our kid cry in pain, no matter the cause. We'd forever wish that we be the one hurting instead.

UPDATES and RENOVATIONS UNDER WAY!

Yes it's been quite awhile since I've been around. So much has happened and is still happening that I only really have time to check email and my facebook account. THAT'S IT. So updates in a nutshell would be:

1. I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant...between 5-6 months. Surprise baby, baby! Needless to say we're happily surprised and anxious, given how difficult the first pregnancy was.

2. Oona is 2years and 2months and is proud/excited to be big sister.

3. While I'm still mobile, I'm happily driving around in the little red family car. I terrorize all along the highway hell that is EDSA, plying the QC-Makati-QC route almost everyday to bring hubby to work and back home.

4. Still happily not working and relieved to be off my feet, so to speak. I'd rather use my precious time, blood, sweat and tears to raise my kids than raise other people. I'm happy to leave the conquering of new territory to others and the world can save itself without me for a good long while. Meanwhile, this new adventure is an awesome experience too good to pass up for ANYTHING. How can you exchange baby kicks and little kisses for a dog eat dog rat race? Yes, even with potty training and screaming mega-tantrums. I'll probably work at home, part time when the little ones permit in the future.

5. Our condo is up and we can move in by 2011. I'm looking forward to out-fitting the place up for our little family. I'm thinking the 3rd room could be our workshop/playroom. I've been daydreaming about getting back to painting. Of course the heavy mediums would be out for now since the kids would be in danger of the toxic materials. So I'll stick to aquarelle, gouache and pencils. The kids can even join me! That would be so exciting!!!

6. RF is going on the CIMA work-study program this coming year. It would accredit him internationally and personally, I think it'll be better than a Master's degree. After he finishes the course, he'll be more than eligible for posting anywhere in the world. A myriad of opportunities awaits him! I'm spanking proud of the hubby and I can't help but be inspired to think about study as well. We agreed that when time, finances and the kids permit, I'll pursue the design courses I've been keeping my eye on. Maybe even get a 2nd degree.

So far, these are the things I can post for now. So much other negative and positive stuff has happened but I haven't the time to expound. Suffice to say, real life has me heavily involved in offline activities so I haven't even gone back to Plurking (sigh). While I do miss my online sisters, it's either the preggy hormones demand I eat or sleep (at least, not forced bed rest) OR wifely/motherly duties prevail. Besides, the BPOs weren't the only ones affected by this year's financial crisis. You really find out what the luxuries in life are and what you can live without.

With Ondoy and Pepeng, we're also trying to help in our little ways. Oona experienced being the youngest "volunteer" at a soup kitchen my sister and her friends participated in for devastated Marikina. My dad has been going around to document the recovering displaced victims of the storms and calling his friends in various orgs to action, focusing on the psychosocial adjustments of children and families. So far, his efforts have not been in vain and they've started with medical missions as well. My mom cooked batches and batches of yummy arroz caldo to distribute to the tent cities around our locality. We may not have much, but we have willing hands, a few bucks for gas to get around and some means to help spread the word around for those in real need. Of course, I'm the designated driver and as much as I want to do more, it's really all I can contribute in my condition. Nevertheless, I'm still happy to have been able to do at least a small thing to help.

Anyway, I'll be renovating this blog and the others as well when real life permits my online life to resume. I do miss writing and I've such a backlog, I wouldn't know where to start when I do get back to writing here again. But I'm ok, the tribe's increasing and we're surviving.

I miss you all and I hope all is well with everybody too. :)

This Adorable Little Girl

'There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. Least of all, be there for her whenever and wherever. It's the smallest I can do for what she's done for me. Having her changed my life so very much, that I can hardly recognize myself. I know I'm not the best person ever nor the most perfect being on earth (and she does deserve the best and most perfect), but I'm working on it. To be the best I can be, to be as close to perfect , as snug a fit to the role of mom as I can be to this little person bursting with possibilities. To be good enough at least, for Her.

So don't feel sorry for me, staying home while the girls paint the town red or the boys take over the world. I'm not afflicted with something to be sad about nor 'saddled' with the responsibility. I didn't give up and neither will I regret getting out of the fast lane. I chose to bring this little girl into the world, the least I can do is slow down enough so we can see the world together.

I know I'm full of unrealized potentials and there are a million possibilities for me. I do miss the rush sometimes. But when I'm playing with her, singing silly songs and making funny faces because she likes them so much, am I really missing anything else of greater significance?

Oh I know some kids grow up to be ungrateful morons (god knows I had my moments) and she might end up hating me someday for some godforsaken reason I would never understand, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I don't blame having her for the life I chose to lead, that would be unfair to both of us. I find it hateful hearing parents tell their kids that they gave up this and that for them. It burdens the kid with such misplaced guilt. Neither will I beat myself up too much should she and I drift apart. I would be devastated, but none of that guilt for either of us. (God help me.)

The way I figure it, the world won't tilt off its axis while I let others go fight the good fight and I stay home. Plenty of time later. But it's always too soon for her.

A Tag and A Quick, Random Update

From Emz! Thanks sis! Now I have to tag ten other bloggers...I'll be updating this as soon as I can.

The Rules:

1. Each blogger must post this rules.
2. You need to choose ten people to be awarded and list their names.
3. Don't forget to leave them comment telling them they've been tagged and to read your blog (soon).

Meanwhile...

It's 1:23AM and I'm kinda bummed. Oona's asleep, the bottles are sterilized and prepared for tomorrow, house is quiet and I'm bored. This is what I get for napping with Oona earlier. I don't get sleepy enough to go to bed when she does. Friends are asleep and hubby is in Brazil right now, attending to his office duties so I got no one to bug. He called earlier and I can tell he really misses us. We really miss him. Oona takes to asking "Daddy?" every time the front gate chimes ring, when she hears a voice sounding like his or even when she smells cigarette smoke. She even checks the garage if he's just hiding. It breaks my heart to see my little girl missing him even when she doesn't know what she's feeling.

Sure she's still happy and rambunctious but she knows something's missing. Or rather, someone. It's almost a relief to know she's still too young to realize Dad's been gone for about a week now. I don't think I'll be able to take the heartbreak if she cries for him and he can't come to her. I refuse to think what could happen if he doesn't see her for a year. Some kids forget, I know. That makes me think about all the OFWs out there who have kids at home. I know the staying parents do all they can to keep the memory alive with pictures, phone calls and frequent webcam dates. You have to marvel at technology, how it has worked to keep the love alive. For the kids, it's important for them to know that love can reach across space. 

And for us adults, it's even more important to keep the faith that love can survive across the time that stretches between the physical instances of being together. It can get lonely. Like now. Maybe that's why I can't go to sleep. I miss him, I even miss getting cranky and pissed off at him for weird reasons. Maybe that'll teach me not to be so cross and picky with him, after all, he really is malambing and I'm really just a cross, old fart. Or maybe not? 

Hay.

It's just been a week and I probably shouldn't miss him so much. After all, what's our separation compared to people who raise families countries apart?  Sometimes I think I'm just not as strong as other women out there. Other moms hack it on their own, with OFW husbands or as single parents. I know they're able to cope because they have to for their children and their own sanity's sake. My admiration and respect for these women have only steadily increased since I gave birth to Oona. It's incredible how they have managed the intense physical, emotional and mental demands of parenthood by themselves. Along with this, my admiration for mothers (including my own, but don't tell her that or I'll never live it down! :D) has grown tremendously. Just comparing my own experiences to others...it's incredible how mothers make way for their kids and families. Even at the expense of their own plans. 

Well, trading one future for another isn't so bad when you think about what you're getting by way of velcro hugs ("'ag! 'ag!") and sticky kisses. Oh, and when she simultanously calls me and requests to go wherever it is I'm going ("Mamo!"), I could take her to the moon for all it would cost!

Anyway...I was missing RF early this post. Now, I think I'll go upstairs and cuddle up to my sleeping bundle of half his DNA. Maybe I'll only just partly miss him then.

Living with the In-Laws

Okay, so it's been awhile since I've updated my blog. Or checked my email, for that matter: Inbox Unread 855! Mostly newsletters but the odd email from friends show how behind the times I am (They broke up?!...A few letters later, Oh they're planning the wedding now.) The only reason I'm able to write this and the precious three entries I had posted is, as of writing, 1. It's Sunday. 2. Oona is with hubby and his set of family and 3. I have my parents' computer, and myself, all to myself. For a few hours at least! And then, I'm time-releasing this along with my other posts.

Since end of January, RF, Oona and I have been living at my parents' home. We were living in our own apartment with RF's mom, but we've all since decided to separate households. So now, while we're looking for two new places to live for ourselves and for mom-in-law to move to, we're bunking in with my side of the family. Besides, the one we are currently living in is simply too big to maintain for a small family and our needs are minimal. Oona is growing up so we really have to think of how to streamline our finances to accomodate her future needs. This early I'm already contemplating about where to send her to school and if RF and I can afford to buy a shotgun each for her teen years. 

So while the hunt continues, we are bunking at my parents' house. If we can't find a place for our little trio, we might have to stay here until our Beacon condo unit is completed in a year. However, while I love being with family, and Oona's antics keep my parents young, I really recommend having a place of your own. There are lessons to be learned of course, if you are open to it, while living with your budding family under your parents' roof. But it's always better to have your own space. 

You know what they say: A man's home is his castle. Visiting kings can't be lording it. We're so lucky that neither my father or my hubby have any issues with eachother, but I do know that others are not as blessed. There's the hiya factor for one. Even if my parents already think of RF as their son, there's still the feeling that you can't be as free as you would like to be with your actions than if you're in your own home. It's not bad, you are better behaved than you ever were and when you get used to it, you find yourself a lot more refined than when you let it all hang.

The equivalent for me is that there can't be two queens in one castle. My mother and I may agree on a lot of things now that i'm older and less of a bitchy teenager, but there are still things that we disagree on. Both of us certainly have different ways of doing and seeing things. I understand that better now, after all, it's her house and I would most likely be like that in my own space. Maybe it's easier for me than others because my mom and i are related, so we can tolerate each other's nuances of character. Of course, getting along for two people, related or unrelated, will only be as hard as the concerned parties make it. In the end, what's important is you all try your best to treat everyone with courtesy and respect. 

One more thing, intimacy may be a problem especially if there's not enough room in the house. We don't have our own room right now because my parents tore down the entire third floor where there was space enough for up to three bedrooms. This was back when most of us kids had flown the coop and they needed the space to make a sound proof studio for a children's show they were doing. So now, we're refugees on the 2nd floor, camped out on my parent's room. The guys get the floor mattresses and us girls get the beds. Thank god it's a big room and with the aircon and cable tv, very comfortable! My little sister also sleeps here and any of my brothers whenever they're in town. (Yes, it's a pretty big room.) 

While it's like a big sleepover after lights out with all the yakking and giggling we do in the dark, it can get lonely and I can only hold hands with the hubby on the floor and I'm on the bed next to Oona, in the middle of a gaggle of people. Even if my parents aren't prudes, we're not about to sneak off in dark corners or broom closets for a quickie. I agree it sounds exciting, but there are just some things we're not comfortable with. Maybe being legit makes the adventure aspect fall a little flat? But definitely, being in a house with little privacy left for fooling around puts a kink in our romance (not even the good kinda kink). Well, when I discreetly brought up the subject to discreetly lobby for some space (we'll take the storage room!), my mom said that maybe we just lack creativity. Then to my utmost horror and mortification, she proceeded to enumerate where and when one can be naughty. Before I got seriously disturbed, I was able to change the subject. Whatever the case may be, I still can't openly talk about my sex life with my mother. It's just a wee bit disturbing. 

Distinct advantage though! It's probably the best birth control ever! Not that I don't want any kids after Oona, but I do want a bit of space between them for health and sanity purposes.  

Living with in-laws has let us see household-running with fresh eyes. RF and I have to develop our own way of things, but it clearly has to be between him and me to build the rock-solid foundation for our future to stand on. Meanwhile, we are learning and growing as parents and as life-partners. With or without the extra space. >:) There's always Victoria Court anyway! Beats a dark corner anytime. Hehe.