I Miss You, Mom.

Oona said it in such a clear, small voice with the simple sadness as can only come from a child. I suppose my heart will just keep on breaking whenever I recall how forlorn she looked, complete with trembling lower lip and tear-filled eyes.

I sometimes forget how much of a baby she still is and that she still drinks from a bottle.

She amazes me so much, each and every day.

It's my fault she also says she's sad a lot these days. I know I'm tired all the time and I've been caring for Olly more than I've been able to attend to Oona. It's no excuse. It's not that I've been neglecting her, I just don't have as much time, energy and patience as I used to. I know that other moms are busier but are successful at the balancing act but I'm just barely keeping it together.

I really wish I could split myself in two equal parts now that Oona's growing up and simply exploding with energy, questions, new ideas and emotions. I really wish my powers could extend my physical, emotional and intellectual stamina to encompass both of the girls. I really wish I could change relationship gears at lightning speed between adult, toddler and infant. I really wish there was more of me to go around. The BEST of me always.

But right now I feel really horrible. I'm such an ogre when I lose my temper. I yell, I lash out. I can be such a bitch. Yes, to a three year old.

Now this same forlorn little girl just carefully covered me up, sharing her big blanket because she knows it's cold and my feet freezes. Then she snuggles up to me under the covers and says she wants to hug.

I really, really, REALLY feel guilty now.

UPDATES OF A YEAR LATER

rf's girls

This is us now.

Oona, our firecracker, the livewire, our chatterbox of a little girl. She's so excited with everything. Stricken with acute bronchitis early January 2010, she was so dehydrated that she couldn't make a sound for about a week. When she recovered, it was as if all the words she ever heard in the few years she spent on earth were bursting out of her mouth even if she still couldn't say them all properly.

i love chips mom.

She often gets frustrated that she can't be understood or express the burgeoning feelings and thoughts filling her ever growing heart and mind. She's so much a little girl, a big baby and a wise sentient being all rolled into one huggable bundle. I sometimes have difficulty remembering she's a child whenever something amazingly profound or unexpected comes out of her mouth. She jumps, she sings, she dances and has two imaginary friends, Mort (or is it Mork?) and Kays she talks to on any phone. She is also now fully toilet trained. Just like that, in diapers one day, in ruffled panties the next. Sure she had a few accidents and we carried diapers for a few days (still do for long trips and no-available-toilet emergencies), but it wasn't months or years of bed-wetting et al.

She's very protective of her little sister Olly whom she calls her baby. I can only hope and pray that they become each other's best friend when they grow up. Knowing that they look out for each other is enough for me and I can die in peace.

I feel GOOD!
tananananananaaaa!!!

Olivia Eleanor was born one fine night, 1042pm on February 19, 2010 at 40 weeks. I was induced as the OB didn't want to risk Olly going past her due date. With my epidural fix, I wasn't  in terrible pain and everything went well. RF was able to join me after a minor delay at the nurses' station where they were hesitant to take RF's bag and laptop. They finally took it when our anesthesiologist ran out and scolded them for keeping him there while Olly was already crowning for about 5 minutes already! I was on a pause button for five minutes waiting for him while he argued outside the DR.

mommy's three babies!

Anyhoo, Olly came out, beautiful baby! with nary a hitch. After two hours, that's when I started bleeding a lot. I felt like I was dumped into a vat of ice! I was breastfeeding Olly in the recovery room when I felt like the worst  hangover ever. I was so thirsty, my mouth was so dry but I felt leaden and my limbs were blocks of ice. I told the nurse to get Olly, check my bleeding and that I'm about to pass out (which I promptly did)...Next thing I knew I was swimming in and out of consciousness, faces and voices floated around me and the ceiling lights kept changing. It turned out that I had what a uterine atony where the uterus could not contract and therefore could not stop pouring blood long enough for clotting to happen. I had to be reexamined and cleaned out to rule out a hysterectomy, bags of blood and plasma were transfused and family were called to be informed of how near I was to critical level. From a hypertensive 150-130/80 BP range, I had plunged to 90/50.

All that time I just kept praying that I live through it, intact, whole and still capable of at least one more child. I still wanted to give RF a son, give the world a chance to have another gentleman out there. The worst case scenario was the hysterectomy (the uterus would be taken out) and I did not want that. However, as the doctors said, it's your uterus or your life. Life, of course (but can I have my uterus too, pretty please?).

Anyhoo, it was all uphill from there. I recovered and my uterus is still here. RF and I agreed that we would wait a few years before having a third child. We want to focus on these two first, give my body a chance to heal and yes, our finances to stabilize a bit before welcoming another angel into our family.

It's been a riotous year. All in all, so much the rollercoaster ride. I have yet to experience uninterrupted sleep, a steady diet and more peaceful, quiet "me" times. RF and I have no date nights and a rare five minute shower all by myself still feels like a luxury.

But looking at these kids makes it all worth it. Oh so very much worth it all.

This Adorable Little Girl

'There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. Least of all, be there for her whenever and wherever. It's the smallest I can do for what she's done for me. Having her changed my life so very much, that I can hardly recognize myself. I know I'm not the best person ever nor the most perfect being on earth (and she does deserve the best and most perfect), but I'm working on it. To be the best I can be, to be as close to perfect , as snug a fit to the role of mom as I can be to this little person bursting with possibilities. To be good enough at least, for Her.

So don't feel sorry for me, staying home while the girls paint the town red or the boys take over the world. I'm not afflicted with something to be sad about nor 'saddled' with the responsibility. I didn't give up and neither will I regret getting out of the fast lane. I chose to bring this little girl into the world, the least I can do is slow down enough so we can see the world together.

I know I'm full of unrealized potentials and there are a million possibilities for me. I do miss the rush sometimes. But when I'm playing with her, singing silly songs and making funny faces because she likes them so much, am I really missing anything else of greater significance?

Oh I know some kids grow up to be ungrateful morons (god knows I had my moments) and she might end up hating me someday for some godforsaken reason I would never understand, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I don't blame having her for the life I chose to lead, that would be unfair to both of us. I find it hateful hearing parents tell their kids that they gave up this and that for them. It burdens the kid with such misplaced guilt. Neither will I beat myself up too much should she and I drift apart. I would be devastated, but none of that guilt for either of us. (God help me.)

The way I figure it, the world won't tilt off its axis while I let others go fight the good fight and I stay home. Plenty of time later. But it's always too soon for her.

Mommyluscious Goes Mobile

I guess this is my equivalent of the little notebook where you scribble stuff for further elaboration, random thoughts and word doodles.

This is also my contribution to my advocacy as a green mom. I'll be using my PC less when I'm writing my blog drafts. I'll shut it down completely and just use my very capable, very versatile Nokia N95 8GB, publish via Opera Mini (through our WiFi) and edit later.

After all, my excellent DSL service is there to be used! Why not further maximize my resources while allowing myself more freedom AWAY from the desk? I made our DSL into a sweet WiFi deal with a simple router to make sure RF gets a connection anywhere in the house (while he's out smoking, in the living room, while in the loo...did i mention that I'm married to a workaholic? He always needs to check work email!)...So why not make it work for me too?

Especially nowadays, Oona's much more mobile and terribly pro-mommy, I can barely go anywhere without her toddling after me. True she's got her yaya but here's me feeling like others get to spend more time with my daughter than me, her own mother! She's growing up so fast that I'm afraid I might miss out on something while I'm cooped up in the room.

Blogging will always be there for me after all. I can put it off for later, when she's tucked in for the night, when she's bonding with her lola or dad, or she's being fussed over by her yaya. It's not like it's going anywhere, unlike Oona's childhood: so fleeting, so precious, so infinitely special.

I'm glad there are resources like these available to me. It makes me feel so spoiled as a new mom. I'm just thankful at how blessed I am to be able to choose to be there for Oona and still be able to do my own thing. Right now, i am writing this while Oona has her afternoon nap. She wouldn't go beddy-bye without me and would wake up should I try to get up. I am watching her gentle breathing and lovely face and can't think of anywhere else to be...or anything else more blog-worthy than her.

Hehe...I know I sound like I'm such a blog-addict! In truth, while I am building my on-line presence, blogging has afforded me a measure of sanity, an avenue for individual expression and a way to make sure my creative muscles don't atrophy. Especially now that I am technically a SAHM (stay at home mom), I need the extra-curricular activity. I used to be a workaholic too, you see. And while being a mom has a more frenetic, action-packed schedule, the periods of down time could drive a former career person nuts.

By this paragraph, Oona's been up for about two hours. I've fed her, bathed her, changed an incredibly smelly poopy diaper and am currently watching her play by herself. In the interim, I get to jot down a few thoughts here.

Not for long though. Oona doesn't let me off the hook that easily. As soon as she notices I'm sneaking in a few lines, she scoots on over and pounces on me!

So before she starts grabbing for my cellphone (bright shiny mom's toy!) or crying (because mom's cellphone is not a toy, Oona and I am not giving this to you!), I'll be signing out now to be my daughter's activity play center. :-) Later I'll be editing for final post, tags and adding pictures.

Sigh. I just love technology.

Party Preps: Have Event...Will Party!

A SIMPLE CELEBRATION

RF and I wanted a simple celebration for Oona. Yes, we would've wanted games, coverage, an AVP presentation, a performer, a tarpaulin banner, fireworks...heck, the whole deal! But apart from not being in a financial standing to splurge, we know the celebrant would not even be able to remember the fun that's supposedly to be in her honor. That party would have to be when she's old enough...say, three years old.

It would also give us enough time to save up for the arm and a leg it's going to cost. Hehehe!

Call it envy of my other mommy friends. Going all out would be great but again, reality demands practicality.

So, we agreed that we'll just hold lunch for everybody at a restaurant with good food. Everyone we know enjoys satisfying meals over bongga-ciousness anyway. The bottom-line: GOOD FOOD, GOOD COMPANY, GOOD TIMES.

Then the hunt began.

We tried a couple of restaurants, thinking of a buffet lunch our guest list would enjoy. At first,
there was Jaymie's Grill along Arnaiz Rd. (which would have been convenient because it was near Don Bosco Church and our house. But the time slot we needed was unavailable.

Then we considered the Triple V Buffet Triumvirate of Kamayan, Dad's and Saisaki. No go as the nearest branch was too small to house our projected guest list (100pax). They have very good packages though. My nephew celebrated his first birthday there and the food was to die for. However, you just can't go wandering over to the other buffets that aren't included in your package. You're going to have to pay extra for hapless guests.


TGIF and Hard Rock Cafe? A real rock n' roll shebang would be SO cool! Rockin' at One Year Old! The stuff of legend...but really too steep. Ambisyosang Nanay!

It really is sad that Jo-ni's is gone. It would have been perfect to hold Oona's first party with a family tradition like Joni's. At their main branch in Makati, I remember they had a big reception area on the second floor. I wax nostalgic everytime I pass by the place. Their food was filling and delicious and their cake remains the indulgence of my childhood. To date, the building houses Citibank, an Art Gallery, a dental office, Philosophy Salon and Spa and The Cafe.

Eventually, we wound up with the tried and tested food at Max's Restaurant. Years Of Sarap To The Bones. TheTradition. Sixty House That Fried Chicken Built.

I love their house chicken and the crispy bites satisfy RF's cravings for cholesterol.

We reserved the Baptismal Party Package for lunch over the Kiddie Birthday Package.

We liked the simple elegance over the more garish theme that passes for what kids are supposedly interested in these days.

(Not to make okray but no mascots and too-bright colors for this family if I can help it.)

With a menu that would satisfy picky eaters (Soup, Kare-kare, Veggie bites, Crispy Pata, Chicken, Pancit, Rice and Leche Flan served with Softdrinks and Ice Tea), it fit our budget for a projected 100 guests with a cake, give-aways and balloons.

We knew we wouldn't be having a program as we only had three hours for the venue (they threw in an extra two hours free anyway) and everyone would be more interested in eating and catching up on each other.

So with the venue and menu picked out a few months in advance, I was sure we wouldn't be too stressed about the event itself.

Boy, was I ever so wrong.

Party Preps: Oona turns One!

So it's been a year since I went to the hospital, getting pissed at the driver and cracking up the nurses' station with my drug-induced stand-up comedy routine. God, I should be stoned more often. I was never wittier, funnier and never had a much more appreciative audience than when I was in labor.

Now, a different birthing is going on as I attempt to put together Oona's First Birthday Party and Baptismal at the same time and at the last minute.

And nope, we are not chinese.


THE BIRTH/CHRISTENING DAY

If I had a dollar (wag naman dime lang, para sosyal!) for every time I had to explain the practicality of holding the joint celebration, I'd probably have enough to cash in for the restaurant downpayment. It's been explained to me that it's mostly the Chinese who usually does this. Tradition and practicality reasons.

We just figured it was more convenient. Otherwise, we'd have just celebrated the birthday and waited until she's old enough to choose her own spiritual path. Really. However, family tradition will not be denied. Hence, a Baptism along with the birthday.

It doesn't leave a dent on our liberated views on spirituality after all. It wouldn't hurt to "officially" invoke divine blessings for the child. Besides, RF and I came from Catholicism and we've so far survived.

We also think of it as thanksgiving for Oona's first year of life on this Earth. She has given us so much joy and touched so many other people's lives.

Love Makes The World Go 'Round

Mec tagged me with this blog award.

Behind the award, is a wonderful story of love and survival of a little boy given another chance to live through a heart donor.

Please help raise awareness for Organ Donorship in the Philippines and abroad.

I am tagging the following people and giving them this award for being great Moms, Dads and Human Beings: Pheng, Den, Jonas, John and Johnny.

Borrowed Pixie Angel

Sometimes I look at Oona and wonder if she's really mine.

I know she came from me, fruit of my womb...the scars I have are way too itchy to be ignored and proof that she inhabited me for 9 months (not to mention the poundage I still have to lose!). But sometimes, she's just really her own little person, if it's possible to see such self-possession in someone less than a year old.

Apart from having borne her and continuing to nourish her, I wonder if I really have any contribution at all to this little amazement.

Of course, the words of a certain poet ring true.

I suspect, many more times in the future will this prophet's words echo in my head, the last never more true than the first time, as my little girl marches steady into the fulfillment of her being with those twinkling little stars in her eyes and that mischievious sunshine of a smile.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.