Monday, October 11, 2010

No Awards For Me Yet

Hubby's on a business trip, I'm on a diet and me and the babies are sniffly, coughing and feverish.

Sick kids love being babied and my girls are like any other kid in the world. They're fussy, drooly, snotty and will generally drive you insane. They wake up all hours of the night and when they BOTH have fevers, you run the whole gamut of human emotion from annoyance, pity and exasperation to joy and relief when the temperature goes down. Now when they both cry, you either run for the hills or pick them both up.

Such was my drama for the past week. Daddy was in Malaysia for work so when my mom, dad and sister are asleep, it's for me to stay up and be Florence Nightingale. I also started my diet so adjusting to the new state of my food intake has shortened my temper and patience. I still count the three times I lost it this week as progress though. With the usual stresses coupled with the new factors present, I think I did pretty okay. (Just don't ask my mom who's usually the witness to my tirades.) More often than not, Oona and discipline issues are what get me really fired up. She doesn't mean to be willful, but she's quite the little chatter box pixie! I swear she wears me down! It's frustrating for me that I can barely keep up with her speed and energy.

She makes me think of actually getting a nanny. My mom, on the other hand, reminded me that if I lose patience with Oona, I can't expect the nanny to have more of it than I can give. That's true, that's why I've been working on my temper issues. Not for the nanny, but for Oona, so that I can teach her how to properly channel her frustrations, tantrums and hyperactivity. And not fly into a passion as I and others in the family are wont to do.

Children are really mirrors of how well we act. They can't help it, they will imitate and emulate what they see and hear from the established role models. Being parents, it's our responsibility to set good examples of the values we want them to grow up with. We watch every word, every action and every scenario to block out the bad, affirm every good lesson and run a darn good explanation why some things are contradictory to what you teach but are still okay. Like, it's bad to say "What the hey!" when she says it but it's better than saying "What the h*ll!"...So much for pressure, huh?

I'm really envious of moms and dads who are so in the parenting zone. Even RF's more in the zen of parenting than I am, although I still think the girls have him wrapped around their little fingers. It's exasperating how Oona would appeal to his softer nature with tears in her eyes and wobbly lip after I dissuade her from something. It's adorable but exasperating :) I keep saying I'm the court of last resort and no one's higher than the Supreme Court. Not even the grandparents, my parents, can top my decisions regarding them.

While I do understand that I'm teaching Oona that there are limits and rules, I still lament the fact that I deplore my own short fuse.

I want Oona to be better at life than I am but she seems to be growing up faster than I'm maturing. Don't you ever wonder who's really raising who? Is it you bringing the kids up or other way around? I can't say it's her fault for being my first born, my first foray into parenting and it's her luck to be the guinea pig. It shouldn't be like that and I find it a poor excuse or reason.

Maybe someday I'll find that I did do right by her and Olly and that my trying to be a good parent worked after all. Maybe someday I can look forward to those "Best Mommy Awards" and feel that I really do deserve it. For now, all I can do is try to wing it one day at a time, hold on to my temper, stretch out my patience (diet or no diet) and understand that though it may be my first time to parent, it's Oona's first time being a kid and I should show her that it's great to be one!