I Miss You, Mom.

Oona said it in such a clear, small voice with the simple sadness as can only come from a child. I suppose my heart will just keep on breaking whenever I recall how forlorn she looked, complete with trembling lower lip and tear-filled eyes.

I sometimes forget how much of a baby she still is and that she still drinks from a bottle.

She amazes me so much, each and every day.

It's my fault she also says she's sad a lot these days. I know I'm tired all the time and I've been caring for Olly more than I've been able to attend to Oona. It's no excuse. It's not that I've been neglecting her, I just don't have as much time, energy and patience as I used to. I know that other moms are busier but are successful at the balancing act but I'm just barely keeping it together.

I really wish I could split myself in two equal parts now that Oona's growing up and simply exploding with energy, questions, new ideas and emotions. I really wish my powers could extend my physical, emotional and intellectual stamina to encompass both of the girls. I really wish I could change relationship gears at lightning speed between adult, toddler and infant. I really wish there was more of me to go around. The BEST of me always.

But right now I feel really horrible. I'm such an ogre when I lose my temper. I yell, I lash out. I can be such a bitch. Yes, to a three year old.

Now this same forlorn little girl just carefully covered me up, sharing her big blanket because she knows it's cold and my feet freezes. Then she snuggles up to me under the covers and says she wants to hug.

I really, really, REALLY feel guilty now.

Moving To The Front Row

Change seems to be the theme for the rest of the year for me. Not just any change, mind you. Significant ones.

While I've had many, many changes in my life, both big and small, I can only count a few that I've truly decided upon, taken charge of and did not just leave up to fate.

Oona, Olly and Mommy

When Oona blew out the candles for her 3rd birthday last August 15, I couldn't help feeling that my baby was growing up too fast for me! Huffy puffy Mommy trying desperately to catch up with her mile-a-minute mind, rapid-fire questions and road-runner legs. Let's not forget 6 month old butterball Olly, challenging time and human evolution by constantly trying to crawl and stand ahead of schedule and fly off the bed, in defiance of gravity. It takes all the mommy powers I can muster to last the day with these two bundles of energy! So as Oona's candles poofed out, the idea of a change that MUST happen flared to life. I wanted to be more involved in the laughter and fun in their lives. I don't want to just exist from chore to chore, duty to duty, stretching what I had to cover what needed to be done for the kids. I wanted to have more out of the relationship we share. I didn't want to be too tired to enjoy being with them.

Really, most days, I'm too pooped to be fun, I'm short-tempered and more of an ogre than I care to admit. Sound familiar, anyone?

Like most mothers, our priorities revolve around the kids, our husbands and partners, our families. We put ourselves, by default, in second, third and even last place. But our roles, quite by paradox, always demand that we be at the front line of everything for the family. Yes, like soldiers.

We barely even have time for ourselves like we used to because there's the guilt that every available time and attention should be invested in the kids, the husband and the family or else you're not being a good wife or mother.

That's not fair, is it? Does that sound like your internal dialogue?

Let's be realistic. We can't expect others to take care of us. It would be great, yes! But we have to take the initiative to do things for ourselves. We can't expect martyrdom or a shaft of light from heaven transforming us into perfection. You'd have to be dead, I think and I want to be alive to enjoy myself.

In a nutshell, I want enough of me to go around and have something left for ME. I don't want to feel run down
anymore because I should be enjoying myself and the time I have with the kids. I know they won't be babies for long and sooner than I would like to, they'll be spreading their wings to fly solo. So for a change, I think I ought to put myself in the front row of my life, our family's life!

I want more. I want the place of privilege I know I deserve.

To be there not just as a frontliner at the trenches, but sitting pretty, joining in the fun and laughter, making good, happy memories, watching my kids and my family bloom and grow from my plush front row seat.

I am daring to be in front.

UPDATES OF A YEAR LATER

rf's girls

This is us now.

Oona, our firecracker, the livewire, our chatterbox of a little girl. She's so excited with everything. Stricken with acute bronchitis early January 2010, she was so dehydrated that she couldn't make a sound for about a week. When she recovered, it was as if all the words she ever heard in the few years she spent on earth were bursting out of her mouth even if she still couldn't say them all properly.

i love chips mom.

She often gets frustrated that she can't be understood or express the burgeoning feelings and thoughts filling her ever growing heart and mind. She's so much a little girl, a big baby and a wise sentient being all rolled into one huggable bundle. I sometimes have difficulty remembering she's a child whenever something amazingly profound or unexpected comes out of her mouth. She jumps, she sings, she dances and has two imaginary friends, Mort (or is it Mork?) and Kays she talks to on any phone. She is also now fully toilet trained. Just like that, in diapers one day, in ruffled panties the next. Sure she had a few accidents and we carried diapers for a few days (still do for long trips and no-available-toilet emergencies), but it wasn't months or years of bed-wetting et al.

She's very protective of her little sister Olly whom she calls her baby. I can only hope and pray that they become each other's best friend when they grow up. Knowing that they look out for each other is enough for me and I can die in peace.

I feel GOOD!
tananananananaaaa!!!

Olivia Eleanor was born one fine night, 1042pm on February 19, 2010 at 40 weeks. I was induced as the OB didn't want to risk Olly going past her due date. With my epidural fix, I wasn't  in terrible pain and everything went well. RF was able to join me after a minor delay at the nurses' station where they were hesitant to take RF's bag and laptop. They finally took it when our anesthesiologist ran out and scolded them for keeping him there while Olly was already crowning for about 5 minutes already! I was on a pause button for five minutes waiting for him while he argued outside the DR.

mommy's three babies!

Anyhoo, Olly came out, beautiful baby! with nary a hitch. After two hours, that's when I started bleeding a lot. I felt like I was dumped into a vat of ice! I was breastfeeding Olly in the recovery room when I felt like the worst  hangover ever. I was so thirsty, my mouth was so dry but I felt leaden and my limbs were blocks of ice. I told the nurse to get Olly, check my bleeding and that I'm about to pass out (which I promptly did)...Next thing I knew I was swimming in and out of consciousness, faces and voices floated around me and the ceiling lights kept changing. It turned out that I had what a uterine atony where the uterus could not contract and therefore could not stop pouring blood long enough for clotting to happen. I had to be reexamined and cleaned out to rule out a hysterectomy, bags of blood and plasma were transfused and family were called to be informed of how near I was to critical level. From a hypertensive 150-130/80 BP range, I had plunged to 90/50.

All that time I just kept praying that I live through it, intact, whole and still capable of at least one more child. I still wanted to give RF a son, give the world a chance to have another gentleman out there. The worst case scenario was the hysterectomy (the uterus would be taken out) and I did not want that. However, as the doctors said, it's your uterus or your life. Life, of course (but can I have my uterus too, pretty please?).

Anyhoo, it was all uphill from there. I recovered and my uterus is still here. RF and I agreed that we would wait a few years before having a third child. We want to focus on these two first, give my body a chance to heal and yes, our finances to stabilize a bit before welcoming another angel into our family.

It's been a riotous year. All in all, so much the rollercoaster ride. I have yet to experience uninterrupted sleep, a steady diet and more peaceful, quiet "me" times. RF and I have no date nights and a rare five minute shower all by myself still feels like a luxury.

But looking at these kids makes it all worth it. Oh so very much worth it all.

This Adorable Little Girl

'There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. Least of all, be there for her whenever and wherever. It's the smallest I can do for what she's done for me. Having her changed my life so very much, that I can hardly recognize myself. I know I'm not the best person ever nor the most perfect being on earth (and she does deserve the best and most perfect), but I'm working on it. To be the best I can be, to be as close to perfect , as snug a fit to the role of mom as I can be to this little person bursting with possibilities. To be good enough at least, for Her.

So don't feel sorry for me, staying home while the girls paint the town red or the boys take over the world. I'm not afflicted with something to be sad about nor 'saddled' with the responsibility. I didn't give up and neither will I regret getting out of the fast lane. I chose to bring this little girl into the world, the least I can do is slow down enough so we can see the world together.

I know I'm full of unrealized potentials and there are a million possibilities for me. I do miss the rush sometimes. But when I'm playing with her, singing silly songs and making funny faces because she likes them so much, am I really missing anything else of greater significance?

Oh I know some kids grow up to be ungrateful morons (god knows I had my moments) and she might end up hating me someday for some godforsaken reason I would never understand, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I don't blame having her for the life I chose to lead, that would be unfair to both of us. I find it hateful hearing parents tell their kids that they gave up this and that for them. It burdens the kid with such misplaced guilt. Neither will I beat myself up too much should she and I drift apart. I would be devastated, but none of that guilt for either of us. (God help me.)

The way I figure it, the world won't tilt off its axis while I let others go fight the good fight and I stay home. Plenty of time later. But it's always too soon for her.

Living with the In-Laws

Okay, so it's been awhile since I've updated my blog. Or checked my email, for that matter: Inbox Unread 855! Mostly newsletters but the odd email from friends show how behind the times I am (They broke up?!...A few letters later, Oh they're planning the wedding now.) The only reason I'm able to write this and the precious three entries I had posted is, as of writing, 1. It's Sunday. 2. Oona is with hubby and his set of family and 3. I have my parents' computer, and myself, all to myself. For a few hours at least! And then, I'm time-releasing this along with my other posts.

Since end of January, RF, Oona and I have been living at my parents' home. We were living in our own apartment with RF's mom, but we've all since decided to separate households. So now, while we're looking for two new places to live for ourselves and for mom-in-law to move to, we're bunking in with my side of the family. Besides, the one we are currently living in is simply too big to maintain for a small family and our needs are minimal. Oona is growing up so we really have to think of how to streamline our finances to accomodate her future needs. This early I'm already contemplating about where to send her to school and if RF and I can afford to buy a shotgun each for her teen years. 

So while the hunt continues, we are bunking at my parents' house. If we can't find a place for our little trio, we might have to stay here until our Beacon condo unit is completed in a year. However, while I love being with family, and Oona's antics keep my parents young, I really recommend having a place of your own. There are lessons to be learned of course, if you are open to it, while living with your budding family under your parents' roof. But it's always better to have your own space. 

You know what they say: A man's home is his castle. Visiting kings can't be lording it. We're so lucky that neither my father or my hubby have any issues with eachother, but I do know that others are not as blessed. There's the hiya factor for one. Even if my parents already think of RF as their son, there's still the feeling that you can't be as free as you would like to be with your actions than if you're in your own home. It's not bad, you are better behaved than you ever were and when you get used to it, you find yourself a lot more refined than when you let it all hang.

The equivalent for me is that there can't be two queens in one castle. My mother and I may agree on a lot of things now that i'm older and less of a bitchy teenager, but there are still things that we disagree on. Both of us certainly have different ways of doing and seeing things. I understand that better now, after all, it's her house and I would most likely be like that in my own space. Maybe it's easier for me than others because my mom and i are related, so we can tolerate each other's nuances of character. Of course, getting along for two people, related or unrelated, will only be as hard as the concerned parties make it. In the end, what's important is you all try your best to treat everyone with courtesy and respect. 

One more thing, intimacy may be a problem especially if there's not enough room in the house. We don't have our own room right now because my parents tore down the entire third floor where there was space enough for up to three bedrooms. This was back when most of us kids had flown the coop and they needed the space to make a sound proof studio for a children's show they were doing. So now, we're refugees on the 2nd floor, camped out on my parent's room. The guys get the floor mattresses and us girls get the beds. Thank god it's a big room and with the aircon and cable tv, very comfortable! My little sister also sleeps here and any of my brothers whenever they're in town. (Yes, it's a pretty big room.) 

While it's like a big sleepover after lights out with all the yakking and giggling we do in the dark, it can get lonely and I can only hold hands with the hubby on the floor and I'm on the bed next to Oona, in the middle of a gaggle of people. Even if my parents aren't prudes, we're not about to sneak off in dark corners or broom closets for a quickie. I agree it sounds exciting, but there are just some things we're not comfortable with. Maybe being legit makes the adventure aspect fall a little flat? But definitely, being in a house with little privacy left for fooling around puts a kink in our romance (not even the good kinda kink). Well, when I discreetly brought up the subject to discreetly lobby for some space (we'll take the storage room!), my mom said that maybe we just lack creativity. Then to my utmost horror and mortification, she proceeded to enumerate where and when one can be naughty. Before I got seriously disturbed, I was able to change the subject. Whatever the case may be, I still can't openly talk about my sex life with my mother. It's just a wee bit disturbing. 

Distinct advantage though! It's probably the best birth control ever! Not that I don't want any kids after Oona, but I do want a bit of space between them for health and sanity purposes.  

Living with in-laws has let us see household-running with fresh eyes. RF and I have to develop our own way of things, but it clearly has to be between him and me to build the rock-solid foundation for our future to stand on. Meanwhile, we are learning and growing as parents and as life-partners. With or without the extra space. >:) There's always Victoria Court anyway! Beats a dark corner anytime. Hehe.

My Kid Rocks The Classics

We've been spending the past three weeks at my parents' house. Typical of a household of artists, Oona's been getting a music education courtesy of my family's collection of CDs ranging from Vivaldi to Yngwie Malmsteen, from the Beatles to the PussyCatDolls. So far, we found out Oona's got a taste for the classics: Chuck Mangione, Jimi Hendrix, the Zombies and most especially, Velvet Underground. She's been swaying, jumping, hopping and bopping (with the occasional wiggle here and there) in an evolving interpretative dance routine. She's managed to insert significant pauses and facial expressions into the programme as well!

We're still waiting to see what other stuff she likes and if this musical journey will somehow transform her into another Einstein, Eisenstein or just give her a weird taste in music her future Kindergarten class will find so unique, it will merit a mention in their school yearbook. 

On My Thirtieth, On My Godparents and Me

i have turned a grand, glorious old age this year! THIRTY! and as the way of the universe goes, it's a time for introspection for me, more than any other time. so many things have happened in the closing of my twenties that i really ought to be more depressed than jubilant.

for now, i want to share my ninang linda's birthday letter to me and my reply to her and my lupon (battalion) of godparents. it's my fondest wish that oona will have the same experience (oreven better) with her own set of godparents. my ninongs and ninangs have always managed to be part of my life in the truest sense of their being my godparents. it's not the gifts or monetary equivalent of their presence, but their guidance and involvement from the little things to the major events and milestones in my life. my ninang fe, ninang chi and ninong jun are even our ninangs and ninong at my wedding! i personally felt that it was just right that the people who were called to guide me would still be the ones to help us through another milestone in the life rf and i share.

***

ninang linda is the ninang i saw least of all my fabulous ninangs and ninongs (most are from my parents' set of dear friends from the UP Mobile Theater). however, her birthday letter touched me deeply as it reflects the bonds we share as ninang and goddaughter. 

dear, dear laya:  

i was about your age when told by one of my own ninangs that she couldn't believe how the little doll she once held in her arms to receive the sacrament of baptism was now writing her...  

and such is the cycle of life.  it's our turn to tell you how hard it is to believe that the little girl who lay on my own baguio bed once now runs her own gig.  

happy birthday sweety, and have the best always.  

ninang linda

***

how long and short our lives really are and how incredibly they intertwine with people we love. having a child, i can only just imagine how i would feel when my own Oona turns thirty. how time flies, doesn't it? she made me so nostalgic and introspective . . . the right mood, i guess, for a soul-searching 30th birthday.

and here is my reply to her and the rest of my beloved ninongs and ninangs.

to my dearest, the most beautiful, talented, glorious and taray ninangs (and ninongs) ever (shempre nagmana ako and of course, ninong freddie is the tarayest of them all!),

thank you so much for the happy thoughts and birthday wishes! i truly felt the love across the digital space! we may not always have been present in the everyday aspects of each other's lives, but the grace of your presence/s has always managed to be felt. 

i find myself really amazed that i've been alive for thirty years. to some it seems the end of the world, leaving their twenties, but not so with me. i feel like the world is my oyster...again! it's funny, but i felt energized when i realized i made it to my "grand old age" (according to my soul sisters, of whom some are biologically boys), as opposed to pop culture where we're supposed to be depressed at the onset of the "mature years". what i can't believe is how excited i am about this next leg of my life adventure! my past year has been an uphill climb and still continues to be, but now it feels like the slow climb of a roller coaster before it dives for the mother of all loop-de-loops.

we, my friends and hubby, have decided to celebrate my 30th for as long as we possibly can. my dearest and bestest friends being scattered all over the globe, it's impossible to have a proper bash so we'll have to do it by installments. personally though, i plan to celebrate everyday. i've only started being thirty last night and my retrospection have only just begun so we figure it's going to take a full year (or more) for a proper festive celebration of what it means to me.

i expect a lot of changes in my life, a lot of letting go's and a lot of coming full circles. i can only thank the universe for the constancy of my roots, of which you are all an indelible part, that gives me strength and assurance in the cycle of life. i feel truly blessed to have been part of your lives from my very beginnings. through the wisdom of my parents (did i say that out loud?! hehehehe) that secured strong women, men and glorious gays in guardianship over me as my godparents, i can truly feel the touch of the goddess as i go through my own cycles as maiden, mother and far off into the future, as wise crone. 

so far, my hubby says he likes being married to a thirty-year old and my daughter doesn't seem to mind it when my knees are killing me and i can't crawl on the floor with her. i look forward to whatever my life is going to bring me from this point onward. i just know it's got to be more interesting, nerve-wracking and fulfilling as the previous years that have brought me here. it's already an auspicious start to the year when i realized i can now look down past my boobs to the floor without my tummy getting in the way! hah!

again, thank you for being part of my life, my ninangs and ninongs! i doubt my life would ever be the same without you.

love ever, 

your Laya

***

i may not know them all through and through, and they may not know me like my own parents do. but i know, that should anything have happened to my parents, none of them would have hesitated to have stepped into the myriad roles i would have needed in my life to grow into a person to be proud of. 

i hope, after thirty years of life, they can all look at me and say that the blessings they bestowed upon my infant head have truly been well-tended and fruitful. all i can say is i've certainly had one heckuva ride! :)

 

N@WIE LOVE!

N@W is Newlyweds At Work, a Yahoo Group message board for newlyweds, about to be parents, wanting to be parents...everything that's got to do with being a wife, mother, woman, survivor, working parent, breastfeeding advocate, etc., etc., etc. Most are women though the odd guy comes around to see what post his wife keeps mentioning. Whatever the issue, there's a thread about it, a zillion ears to listen and shoulders to lean on or cry on. I'm not always an active poster, being guilty of running to the group mostly when I've got something I'm completely stumped about, but it's the equivalent of a sorority house without the hassles of being an initiate or a pledge. You can be sure of the support, understanding and wise advice of your sisters and brothers at N@W.

For those who don't know what being a N@wie is, it's the best group a first time mom can be in. Spinning off from the W@Wies (Weddings at Work) who went through the wedding and are now parents, the N@wies are a fun and supportive bunch even if I haven't met them all IRL (in real life).

And because I love this group, I made badges with the blessings of Benz of the W@Wie Rana Dynamic Duo :D Please feel free to grab one to post wherever you wish! Just right click and save. Link the image up to the W@W portal or N@W site so more moms out there can find their way to the group!

Here's the first batch! :)



More to come! Enjoy!

KITCHEN MAGIC

When I was a child, there was only one room in the house where everything really happens. Since there was no distinction between kitchen and dining room, you can imagine that most conversations, interactions and family activities centralized around this area.

There would always be someone preparing food, eating, making a snack or using the dining table as a study desk, drawing table, battlefield for toy soldiers or secret bandit hideout from the cops stationed in the living room. I used to hide under the table to escape from having to sleep in the afternoons when I wanted to play. My mother had the coolest make-up kit from my grandmother's Hong Kong trips with little drawers and slide-out compartments. I'd sneak it out from her dresser, paint my face up and make a dash to the kitchen sink when I heard her coming down the stairs to hunt me down for the bothersome nap.

Most growing up conversations also happened around the kitchen/dining table. We'd get reprimanded, praised or grounded until we were thirty while we were having breakfast, lunch or dinner (when activity reports usually roll in for our parents to comment about). Of course you couldn't leave until you finished your food so even if you wanted to die of shame from being publicly executed, you had to soldier on while conversation flowed to other more wholesome topics around you.

When I was old enough to help in the cooking, the conversations evolved as well. From how to cook my favorite Sinigang (Tamarind Soup) to how to deal with the bullies in school, to deeper, more intense issues later on in life. Life lessons are easier to deal with while your hands are busy, but wrestling with them while chopping up vegetables amidst the warm, homey smells of bubbling broth seemed to drive them straighter, truer and deeper into the heart.

Late at night, on occasions where one is restless and sleepless with the countless things that plague growing minds, the kitchen/dining table was the scene of many a hot coco philosophical discussion.

Heartbreaks, arguments, life decisions, confidences. I'm sure many kitchens and dining tables in small houses like ours have heard them all.

My ideal house would have the kitchen/dining area exactly like that, where the heart of the home is at the hearth. (sidenote: Hearth= heart, earth/mother earth...cooking, eating, sharing food for the belly, heart and the mind are such earthy activities...no wonder we feel fuller and more grounded, reconnected.)

I've always dreamt of a home that would be sanctuary to family and friends. Such as when I was growing up and bringing home friends, we'd gravitate to the kitchen where my mother would usually be found cooking dinner. And since I brought extra appetites, she would whip up something for us and we'd help cook while filling her in on what happened during our day. Sometimes, one of my friends would find herself confiding in my mom while shelling peas or stirring the stew. My mother would listen and dole out her brand of wisdom like she would dole out steaming soup for the heart-sick. My friends would always say how cool my mother was, sated with the yummy food we helped prepare, hearts soothed and minds at peace with practical advice.

When I was still single, I had the fantasy of living alone but always having a warm and welcoming home. Now that I find myself married and a mother to a precious little girl, I am nostalgic for kitchens and dining areas that remind me of my mother's kitchen. Of course, this would mean warm wood furniture, unobtrusive kitchen appliances, functionality with down-to-earth, homey styles . . . and a bunch of wild flowers stuck in a jar somewhere.

I want Oona to know how it is to come home, plunk her school bag on a chair and tell me all about her day as she gobbles a snack and I start preparing the family dinner. As it is, at 14 months, she likes playing under the kitchen/dining table. She listens in on the conversations of her mother, father, grandmother and nanny. She offers her babbled opinions every now and then and pokes our legs to let us know she's still there. Whether we're cooking, eating or typing away at a laptop, she'd be right there, camped under the table, among the chair legs.

I look forward to having midnight coco in my pajamas talking over the serious business of a first love or deliberating over college courses with Oona and her siblings (hopefully soon!). I can't wait to be solving crossword puzzles with a cup of coffee at 2AM, waiting for the last kid to come in after a concert. Or making anti-hangover specials for someone who came in four hours after their curfew, reeking of way too much beers, hunched guiltily over black coffee, waiting for me to read them the riot act. God forbid my kids have my spunk! But I DO truly look forward to it all, including cooking their lunches for school and baking cookies (Cookies? Bake?! ME?? Quick, someone pinch me!). Well, I'm sure there are idiot-friendly contraptions nowadays for people like me who can basically cook but can't whip up a chef's masterpiece.

My husband would laugh and tease me no end if ever he reads this. He's never seen me take the initiative with ruling the roost, so to speak, let alone cook everyday. But since his Mom lives with us and she likes to cook for the family, I can understand her sentiments enough to know it warms her heart to see us gather round to eat together and enjoy her food. And I know, it will be my turn soon enough, to have my own kitchen and rule the roost. Nowadays, I share the crown with the hubby and his mom, but mostly, it's Oona who wears that crown most.

Currently, we are paying for a pre-sold condo home at nearby Beacon (so near, we pass the construction site everyday). It's amazing how it feels, to watch your investment for the future rise from the foundations going up, up, up! Before we know it, it will be our floor that's going to be done and the condo guys will be calling us to go over the specs we want for our new home. So this early, I'm already looking at lovely stuff I want for our own first home, interior decorating it in my head.

Most especially, I would finally be able to have a kitchen, a hearth of my own! Sure I'd still be sharing with Mama, my hubby's mother, but I would have picked the tiling, the cabinets, the stove, the everything! Besides, it doesn't take anything away from me to share the traditional domain. It makes for incredible conversations when we're cooking together, even now. For sure, since it's a condo and we have kids running around, we'll have appliances that would be space-saving and child-friendly (if not child-proof).

I'm glad I'm a net surfer so it's easy for me to find things I like and hopefully buy, when the time comes for moving in. The condo's already fully furnished in my head! Although I'd love to go out and "get dirty", walking around to hunt down furnishings, drapes and sinks, it really isn't realistic for me nowadays. It helps that the ever-reliable Shopwiki's there. I don't have to go all over the place to find something I need, they already have stuff from on-line stores all across the web, centralized in one website. Think your very own, friendly, reliable on-line warehouse with goods from all over the world in one place! The interface is very user friendly and very informative.

I would also suggest fully reading through the Shopwiki shopping guides as it also helped me decide which ones I can do without and which ones I would definitely need for condominium living and the lifestyle that I want. What's noteworthy for me is that they help promote Green Living with earth friendly products! Definitely for us earth mommas! They also support advocacies and causes near and dear to our hearts, like this October's Shopping for a Cause is about Breast Cancer Awareness. So think pink while shopping and beat shopper's guilt by saying: "It's for a cause!"

From the bedrooms, to the curtains to the little reading corner I want to have (with a computer, naturally!), I have bookmarked a dozen pages or so from this shopping guide! Too bad our bathroom's not big enough for a bath tub or a home spa . . . Oh well, I'll keep that in mind for the next house! :D

All in all, I truly look forward to making our new house into a home, where my daughter, her siblings, their friends and everyone we welcome into our midst, would feel the love and warmth radiating from the heart/h, filling up tummies, minds and spirits with food for the body and nourishment for the soul.

THE FIRST NINE MONTHS: THINKING ABOUT PARENTHOOD

RF and I didn't plan on becoming a couple. Nor did we plan to become parents. We wanted to have children but were unsure as to if and when we'll actually have them. I was more unsure than RF but towards the end of our first year of marriage, I was already thinking about it. We weren't using protection or any method to avoid pregnancy, but we weren't really going for gold.

I found myself looking at my tummy in the mirror sometimes. I was thinking how my belly, full with child, would look like. Of course, later on I would be sadly disappointed and would shy away from pregnant belly portraits that's still all the rage today because I just looked like a very fat woman who waddled like a very fat duck. But I wouldn't know that then!

I was fantasizing about what I would wear, recalling how my mom would look in her nice, long shifts. Nevermind later that I couldn't possibly wear her old preggy stuff. I was too large and overheated that I wanted shorter, lighter dresses with a bit of cleavage (Ha ha!).

True, fashion concerns are not the meat of it. But everything, no matter how seemingly trivial it is, matters. It contributes about how you feel about the whole thing.

One of the very few things we thought about before we actively tried to have Oona, was if we were ready for parenthood. As individuals, as a couple . . . was our marriage ready to welcome the responsibility and strain of raising another human being?

We had our fights. We had our preferences. We enjoyed our lifestyle. Was our lives big enough to share with someone else?

It does sound selfish, but they're actually realistic and honest questions I felt I had to answer. I wanted the chances of regret anytime in the future to be significantly small. Whether I wanted to or not, I didn't want our future child/children to consciously or subconsciously feel in any way that I blamed their birth for anything I might miss out on.

Exploring my feelings, I knew my life would change profoundly after having a child. I knew there were a lot of things I wouldn't be able to do anymore and a lot of things that would remain dreams. I would give up things, miss out on things and maybe regret things.

What about my career? I felt like a hotshot, with the world at my feet. I had so many dreams, plans . . . isn't motherhood going to stifle me? Wouldn't it hold me back? I run with the wolves, outstripping bulls and facing down everyday mayhem. I loved that life! What would happen to me when I suddenly stopped?

I felt a part of me would die but I had to face and deal with it, lay it to rest for my child's and my sanity's sake. I've read far too many disgruntled mother/housewife stories to want that for myself. Although I have no illusions about the future, even then, I would make damn sure I don't end up unhappy at the very least.

Me, as mother, being unhappy would affect how I would be as a Mom and a wife. I don't want my kids to hate me or wish for a different mother. Which begs the question, what kind of mother would I make? I've heard too many stories of horrible mothers too. What if I wasn't meant to be a mother? I really didn't want to find out when I already had a child that I would be unable to care for and love! Needless to say, I had a lot of angsts.

RF was a lot easier. He swanned gracefully, almost without effort, into the role of Dad. I would say Fatherhood becomes him . . . even the impending Fatherhood gave him an extra Oomph!

We talked about how our plans for the future would change, little knowing that talk barely just covers the possibilities, but it greatly helps.

At least, we nailed down the basics:
1. We love each other no matter what.
2. We're in it together.
3. We'll do our very best, always to the best of our abilities.

There would be less dates, unplanned trips, splurges or even drastic career shifts. Everything would be revolving around the welfare of the child and family, more than the pleasures we used to fantasize about. Very practical, very discipline life, very safe and I feared, very dead-end for me.

Then one night, I was home alone as usual, RF being on his night shift. I realized that despite all this worrying, I was really giving the baby and motherhood matter serious thinking. I wasn't shying away from it at all. For me that was an indication that I cared about the life we were bringing into the family. Family! We were going to be a family, our OWN little fan's club! Terribly exclusive.

I laughed, then I cried. I suddenly felt that I wanted it to be real at that very moment. Did this mean that I was ready? Hahaha. Right. Knowing what I know now, nobody's ever ready for motherhood. I also still believe that there are people who can't be parents but now I know, I'm not one of them.

What I realized then was that my heart felt so full of love and the cup that RF and I share, doth runneth over. (Ugh! Cheeeeeese!!!) There's really so much love to give and it's such a shame to waste on what now look like trivial pursuits that wouldn't make a difference a hundred years from now.

***

A part of me did die, but it was a welcome death. What mattered to me was that I found that a whole new part of me sprung up to live. Being a mother had its own adventures and did I really mind giving up late nights, hungover-sick mornings and going home to an empty house?

There are a myriad ways to fulfill oneself. I still don't know how my life would find expression aside from being wife and mother, but I'm not afraid to find out. I'm actually excited.

But above all else, pouring the love RF and I share to this amazing little girl is all that truly matters to us.

OCTOBER IS ATTACHMENT PARENTING MONTH

October is Attachment Parenting Month.

For many of us in this part of the world, Attachment Parenting isn't really a new concept. How we care for our children, like breastfeeding, swaddling, co-sleeping and maintaining close contact are part and parcel of our heritage. It is deeply ingrained in our society that still sustains extended family ties and caring for our elders in their twilight years.

It's a little jarring then, and very humbling to learn that other countries don't do it like we do and take this kind of upbringing far less for granted. Since it's almost second nature for us, we tend to overlook just how valuable our customs in raising our children are.

In other countries, especially the US, there is a resurgence of this kind of parenting, which they call Attachment Parenting, a term coined by Dr. William Sears (yes, THAT Dr. Sears!).

According to Dr. Sears' theory, groups like the Attachment Parenting International (API) promote the development of a secure bond with children through eight principles or goals for parents.

These are:

1. Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Engage in Nighttime Parenting
6. Provide Consistent Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

These are naturally subject to personal interpretation. Attachment parents can also choose to have a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle.

According to Wikipedia, the NFL lifestyle ascribes to practices "such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, the anti-vaccination movement, natural health, cooperative movements, and support of organic food."

The good thing about Dr. Sears is that he doesn't require any strict set of rules, instead he 's encouraging parents to creatively respond to a child's needs. Attachment parenting, in a nutshell, really focuses on the responses that help develop secure attachments.

I really think it's just getting back to our roots. That primeval bond between parent and young that gets lost in the modern day grind of work, career, material comfort and their accompanying results. Childhood is today's greatest casualty.

From the API website:

About AP Month

What: Attachment Parenting International (API), along with the Sears family and other prominent AP supporters, have declared October to be Attachment Parenting (AP) Month.

The AP Month vision is to create one strong voice for AP through activities, events and information and to celebrate what we believe in — the value of “Giving Our Children Presence” for our families and for our communities.

Who: All parents, AP partners and like minds around the world are invited and encouraged to join with us in “Giving Our Children Presence” during the first annual Attachment Parenting Month.

Why: “Giving Our Children Presence” is the theme for AP Month 2008 and an antidote to the upcoming holidays so often filled with the giving of material presents. During AP Month, parents are challenged to incorporate more family time into each day and AP Month partners will offer resources to support and sustain these efforts all year round.

Key AP Month Goals include unifying the AP voice to:

1. Offer parents and adults support and confidence in “Giving Our Children Presence” to last a lifetime
2. Promote awareness of AP
3. Educate about API, other AP Month sponsors and their services
4. Provide a source of funds to support the API mission

Resources: The AP Month Central website is the gateway to information about AP Month. It includes a calendar of activities in which to participate and the AP Month Toolkit as resource for you to use to plan and promoting your own events and activities for October.

Our love, our presence, our time and attention are the most important things we can give our kids.

I'm glad the other half of today's culture (the "westernly" half) is becoming more involved with this kind of parenting. I'm also hoping it's not just a fad or a novelty for them, as with most movements that start out with good intentions. And for us who already use this kind of parenting style, may we learn to appreciate our parenting heritage more, value it and affirm its benefits through our own kids.

THE FIRST NINE MONTHS

I was largely uncomfortable when I was pregnant.

AND uncomfortably large. I ballooned to 200 lbs. and the bad part was that I didn't look pregnant. I just looked FAT.

I also felt so over-heated that I needed the air-conditioning on with the electric fan. RF would swear he was in the Arctic Circle, freezing his butt off while I would be complaining that the Gobi Desert was probably cooler than our room at high noon.

I had food cravings, aversions, mood swings and crying bouts. I'd get irritated with RF but didn't want him out of my sight. I cut off my long hair because it was falling off in alarming amounts. Then I regretted it big time. I felt ugly. I waddled. Nothing would fit me.

Hay! That's not even half of it.

Nevertheless, making my pregnancy album took me back to that time and surprisingly made me laugh. Sure there was pain, nausea and Goddess knows what else, but there were pay-offs that continue to this day.

I'll be sharing the album I made as a series with a trimester-ly write up, not only to share what I and RF went through, but also to help others out there who was as clueless as I was.

My Time Capsule

Tagged by Mec

RULES:

1. Answer the question below:

If you are to leave an important memory, what would that be?

I can't help it! I have to put this and my baby popot, Oona! If only just to prove that miracles do happen and plans, even if they don't go the way you want them to, ultimately has a better way of turning out. Yes! Falling in love and having a family wasn't in my plans. But here I am! Loving every minute of it!
Made this for our 7th Valentine's Day together. "Celebrating Evolution" was how RF described holding hands. "Imagine," he had said casually while walking around during our spare-change dates, "The dinosaurs died and gave way for humans to evolve through the ages, to this point in time, to us. To something so simple (but infinitely meaningful) as holding hands..."

I melted. Here I was, no newbie to the lines guys spout off and I just melted. It was certainly the most original and it struck me two ways at once: straight to my brain and my heart. I think that was the most romantic thing anyone ever said to me. A bit on the brainy-geeky side, but so what? I think it was then that I really knew I was totally into the guy. To this day, I don't know if he knew what an impact that made on me.

And the surprise Christmas child! She's our late Christmas present, supposedly conceived around Christmas time. I found out I was pregnant a few days after New Year. Sometimes I can't believe she's mine! Never, in all my dreams did I even see her coming. Being a wife is an adventure, but being a mother...ibang lebel na ito! It's a whole different dimension altogether.

I know I'm supposed to put just one, but one cannot do without the other for me. My hubby and my baby are the memories I have that are forever intertwined and inseparable. They are as one.

2. Copy the entire list and add your name below the person who tagged you. Then tag at least 5 friends (But you can tag as many as you like) and visit their blog to let them know you tagged them.

Bloggers who shared their important memories 1.)Kaptyurd 2.)and so I am 3.)Princess Vien 4.)Princess Bela 5.)Our Journey to Life 6.)My Planet Purple 7.)Women Xplore 8.)Crazy, Happy ARevalos 9.)MEComposing 10.)Hope This Helps You 11.) Mommyluscious 12.)add your site here

I am tagging Rei, Jonas, Johnny, and Pheng!

tip: to easily get the url, right click on this page, click on VIEW SOURCE... and just ctrl F on the keywords that you'd copy... ahehe

THANKFULLY BLESSED LIST: FAMILY

3. Family

It's a classic scenario. Growing up, we wish we had different parents, different siblings, different upbringing, different households...different anything from what you have at the moment. Ad nauseam.

You swear you'll never do it like your parents did and are horrified by the saying that we all grow up to be our parents. We have sibling rivalries. We ignore some, fight some, rival some. But when you finally grow up, certain things fall into place. You realize that no matter what, someone's got your back.

Of course it's a given that you all love each other (to each his own way of loving, though). Growing up begins to take away the cringe-worthiness of expression little by little. It's easier to reach out, easier to understand. It's easier to recognize the bonds that hold you to the family that bore you.

They say this happens especially when you have a child of your own. I agree. I still draw the line at becoming my parents but for all I know, I just might turn out that way (which one, I wouldn't know). I'll probably have to ask my daughter (and other children, hopefully) when we get to the stage when we're finally not killing each other over curfew.

PARTY PREPS: THE LAST DETAILS

I spent the last few days mucking about in maintenance and other practical life matters, that I realized that I was backed up a few entries. So, to make up, here's the last of the Party Preps!

***

Since we couldn't splurge so much, if at all, I went gaga over Oona's invites.


TADAAAAAH! Likey? We too!

We sent one to the oddparents and re-sent a reminder to everyone a week ago.

We also posted the event on Facebook.

But people who are sometimes tamad as they are to RSVP or even go through email and mark their calendars, still managed to lose the details or forget until they're pestered about it.

Ang ku-cute ng gawa ko tapos 'di man lang binabasa! (But people still came so all's well!)

We still love them though and put it down to the comedy of errors with which most of our family events are usually marked (i.e. our wedding and Oona's birth).

THE OUTFIT

Of course she has an outfit! Quite a few to be exact.

I loved being a little girl with all the girly trappings of ribbons and flounces. I want to make darn sure my little girl has her girlhood. There's going to be time enough for jeans and shirts anyway. And RF, more the fashionista these days than I am definitely agrees.

So, RF and I went on a serious hunt with Oonapotpot in tow, combing the malls in Makati.


Over at Greenbelt there was not much by way of boutiques that would fit our budget. Most are in the upper tier of income-spending. Still, it is always nice to walk through the park even during the rainy season.

At Glorietta, the dresses in the baby shops and children's section were adorable but were way over the budget and too gownish.



It was a pity there were only casual clothes at Gingersnaps. They don't have much by way of party frocks. Frou-frou was the order of day but we wanted Oona to be able to wear the dress for other formal occasions or just when she (rather, we!) feel the need for frills.


We went over to Landmark but the choices were limited to the long baptismal gowns in organza and tulle with matching bonnets Oona would hate. She just hates things on her head. We didn't want her dress to be impractical or itchy either. Girly was good and a bit of formality with personality, but nothing uncomfortable. I'd hate for her to develop a bad rash because of cloth. She would be wearing the dress all day and sweaty babies make for a grand tantrum for babies and everybody else.

Finally at SM Makati, we landed this pretty number! We were looking for Little Bitty but couldn't find it. Nevertheless, this seemed just right.

It's simple, we know, but you should see it on Oona! Shows off her chinita-ness, her skin and doesn't overwhelm anyone from the ultimate focus of attention: Oona.

Oh to have a daughter to dress up!

We had a bit of a problem with the shoes, as this is the best we could find. At least it's off-white too. Besides, nowadays she's in her sandals or barefoot, so buying a pretty pair she would be only be wearing once and would quickly grow out of, wouldn't be practical.

We also managed to snatch a dress that she could wear after for the party at Max's with a pair of tights and her squeaky sandals. It's the exact miniaturized version of Tita Diday's 70's retro mini dress. (We're daring her to wear it for the party. We'll see if she takes us up on that!)


OTHER DETAILS

We're going to buy a few extra candles and maybe, a few more giveaways if we can afford it. Pictures and coverage would probably be done the old-fashioned way. . . whoever has a camera, bring it and click away! As it happened at our wedding.

RF and I are still thinking of what to wear, but at least the more important bits are taken care of. We don't know what's going to happen on Sunday. We're nervous and excited, of course. I'm just hoping Oona enjoys the day as much as a one-year old can!