A Tag and A Quick, Random Update

From Emz! Thanks sis! Now I have to tag ten other bloggers...I'll be updating this as soon as I can.

The Rules:

1. Each blogger must post this rules.
2. You need to choose ten people to be awarded and list their names.
3. Don't forget to leave them comment telling them they've been tagged and to read your blog (soon).

Meanwhile...

It's 1:23AM and I'm kinda bummed. Oona's asleep, the bottles are sterilized and prepared for tomorrow, house is quiet and I'm bored. This is what I get for napping with Oona earlier. I don't get sleepy enough to go to bed when she does. Friends are asleep and hubby is in Brazil right now, attending to his office duties so I got no one to bug. He called earlier and I can tell he really misses us. We really miss him. Oona takes to asking "Daddy?" every time the front gate chimes ring, when she hears a voice sounding like his or even when she smells cigarette smoke. She even checks the garage if he's just hiding. It breaks my heart to see my little girl missing him even when she doesn't know what she's feeling.

Sure she's still happy and rambunctious but she knows something's missing. Or rather, someone. It's almost a relief to know she's still too young to realize Dad's been gone for about a week now. I don't think I'll be able to take the heartbreak if she cries for him and he can't come to her. I refuse to think what could happen if he doesn't see her for a year. Some kids forget, I know. That makes me think about all the OFWs out there who have kids at home. I know the staying parents do all they can to keep the memory alive with pictures, phone calls and frequent webcam dates. You have to marvel at technology, how it has worked to keep the love alive. For the kids, it's important for them to know that love can reach across space. 

And for us adults, it's even more important to keep the faith that love can survive across the time that stretches between the physical instances of being together. It can get lonely. Like now. Maybe that's why I can't go to sleep. I miss him, I even miss getting cranky and pissed off at him for weird reasons. Maybe that'll teach me not to be so cross and picky with him, after all, he really is malambing and I'm really just a cross, old fart. Or maybe not? 

Hay.

It's just been a week and I probably shouldn't miss him so much. After all, what's our separation compared to people who raise families countries apart?  Sometimes I think I'm just not as strong as other women out there. Other moms hack it on their own, with OFW husbands or as single parents. I know they're able to cope because they have to for their children and their own sanity's sake. My admiration and respect for these women have only steadily increased since I gave birth to Oona. It's incredible how they have managed the intense physical, emotional and mental demands of parenthood by themselves. Along with this, my admiration for mothers (including my own, but don't tell her that or I'll never live it down! :D) has grown tremendously. Just comparing my own experiences to others...it's incredible how mothers make way for their kids and families. Even at the expense of their own plans. 

Well, trading one future for another isn't so bad when you think about what you're getting by way of velcro hugs ("'ag! 'ag!") and sticky kisses. Oh, and when she simultanously calls me and requests to go wherever it is I'm going ("Mamo!"), I could take her to the moon for all it would cost!

Anyway...I was missing RF early this post. Now, I think I'll go upstairs and cuddle up to my sleeping bundle of half his DNA. Maybe I'll only just partly miss him then.

On My Thirtieth, On My Godparents and Me

i have turned a grand, glorious old age this year! THIRTY! and as the way of the universe goes, it's a time for introspection for me, more than any other time. so many things have happened in the closing of my twenties that i really ought to be more depressed than jubilant.

for now, i want to share my ninang linda's birthday letter to me and my reply to her and my lupon (battalion) of godparents. it's my fondest wish that oona will have the same experience (oreven better) with her own set of godparents. my ninongs and ninangs have always managed to be part of my life in the truest sense of their being my godparents. it's not the gifts or monetary equivalent of their presence, but their guidance and involvement from the little things to the major events and milestones in my life. my ninang fe, ninang chi and ninong jun are even our ninangs and ninong at my wedding! i personally felt that it was just right that the people who were called to guide me would still be the ones to help us through another milestone in the life rf and i share.

***

ninang linda is the ninang i saw least of all my fabulous ninangs and ninongs (most are from my parents' set of dear friends from the UP Mobile Theater). however, her birthday letter touched me deeply as it reflects the bonds we share as ninang and goddaughter. 

dear, dear laya:  

i was about your age when told by one of my own ninangs that she couldn't believe how the little doll she once held in her arms to receive the sacrament of baptism was now writing her...  

and such is the cycle of life.  it's our turn to tell you how hard it is to believe that the little girl who lay on my own baguio bed once now runs her own gig.  

happy birthday sweety, and have the best always.  

ninang linda

***

how long and short our lives really are and how incredibly they intertwine with people we love. having a child, i can only just imagine how i would feel when my own Oona turns thirty. how time flies, doesn't it? she made me so nostalgic and introspective . . . the right mood, i guess, for a soul-searching 30th birthday.

and here is my reply to her and the rest of my beloved ninongs and ninangs.

to my dearest, the most beautiful, talented, glorious and taray ninangs (and ninongs) ever (shempre nagmana ako and of course, ninong freddie is the tarayest of them all!),

thank you so much for the happy thoughts and birthday wishes! i truly felt the love across the digital space! we may not always have been present in the everyday aspects of each other's lives, but the grace of your presence/s has always managed to be felt. 

i find myself really amazed that i've been alive for thirty years. to some it seems the end of the world, leaving their twenties, but not so with me. i feel like the world is my oyster...again! it's funny, but i felt energized when i realized i made it to my "grand old age" (according to my soul sisters, of whom some are biologically boys), as opposed to pop culture where we're supposed to be depressed at the onset of the "mature years". what i can't believe is how excited i am about this next leg of my life adventure! my past year has been an uphill climb and still continues to be, but now it feels like the slow climb of a roller coaster before it dives for the mother of all loop-de-loops.

we, my friends and hubby, have decided to celebrate my 30th for as long as we possibly can. my dearest and bestest friends being scattered all over the globe, it's impossible to have a proper bash so we'll have to do it by installments. personally though, i plan to celebrate everyday. i've only started being thirty last night and my retrospection have only just begun so we figure it's going to take a full year (or more) for a proper festive celebration of what it means to me.

i expect a lot of changes in my life, a lot of letting go's and a lot of coming full circles. i can only thank the universe for the constancy of my roots, of which you are all an indelible part, that gives me strength and assurance in the cycle of life. i feel truly blessed to have been part of your lives from my very beginnings. through the wisdom of my parents (did i say that out loud?! hehehehe) that secured strong women, men and glorious gays in guardianship over me as my godparents, i can truly feel the touch of the goddess as i go through my own cycles as maiden, mother and far off into the future, as wise crone. 

so far, my hubby says he likes being married to a thirty-year old and my daughter doesn't seem to mind it when my knees are killing me and i can't crawl on the floor with her. i look forward to whatever my life is going to bring me from this point onward. i just know it's got to be more interesting, nerve-wracking and fulfilling as the previous years that have brought me here. it's already an auspicious start to the year when i realized i can now look down past my boobs to the floor without my tummy getting in the way! hah!

again, thank you for being part of my life, my ninangs and ninongs! i doubt my life would ever be the same without you.

love ever, 

your Laya

***

i may not know them all through and through, and they may not know me like my own parents do. but i know, that should anything have happened to my parents, none of them would have hesitated to have stepped into the myriad roles i would have needed in my life to grow into a person to be proud of. 

i hope, after thirty years of life, they can all look at me and say that the blessings they bestowed upon my infant head have truly been well-tended and fruitful. all i can say is i've certainly had one heckuva ride! :)

 

KITCHEN MAGIC

When I was a child, there was only one room in the house where everything really happens. Since there was no distinction between kitchen and dining room, you can imagine that most conversations, interactions and family activities centralized around this area.

There would always be someone preparing food, eating, making a snack or using the dining table as a study desk, drawing table, battlefield for toy soldiers or secret bandit hideout from the cops stationed in the living room. I used to hide under the table to escape from having to sleep in the afternoons when I wanted to play. My mother had the coolest make-up kit from my grandmother's Hong Kong trips with little drawers and slide-out compartments. I'd sneak it out from her dresser, paint my face up and make a dash to the kitchen sink when I heard her coming down the stairs to hunt me down for the bothersome nap.

Most growing up conversations also happened around the kitchen/dining table. We'd get reprimanded, praised or grounded until we were thirty while we were having breakfast, lunch or dinner (when activity reports usually roll in for our parents to comment about). Of course you couldn't leave until you finished your food so even if you wanted to die of shame from being publicly executed, you had to soldier on while conversation flowed to other more wholesome topics around you.

When I was old enough to help in the cooking, the conversations evolved as well. From how to cook my favorite Sinigang (Tamarind Soup) to how to deal with the bullies in school, to deeper, more intense issues later on in life. Life lessons are easier to deal with while your hands are busy, but wrestling with them while chopping up vegetables amidst the warm, homey smells of bubbling broth seemed to drive them straighter, truer and deeper into the heart.

Late at night, on occasions where one is restless and sleepless with the countless things that plague growing minds, the kitchen/dining table was the scene of many a hot coco philosophical discussion.

Heartbreaks, arguments, life decisions, confidences. I'm sure many kitchens and dining tables in small houses like ours have heard them all.

My ideal house would have the kitchen/dining area exactly like that, where the heart of the home is at the hearth. (sidenote: Hearth= heart, earth/mother earth...cooking, eating, sharing food for the belly, heart and the mind are such earthy activities...no wonder we feel fuller and more grounded, reconnected.)

I've always dreamt of a home that would be sanctuary to family and friends. Such as when I was growing up and bringing home friends, we'd gravitate to the kitchen where my mother would usually be found cooking dinner. And since I brought extra appetites, she would whip up something for us and we'd help cook while filling her in on what happened during our day. Sometimes, one of my friends would find herself confiding in my mom while shelling peas or stirring the stew. My mother would listen and dole out her brand of wisdom like she would dole out steaming soup for the heart-sick. My friends would always say how cool my mother was, sated with the yummy food we helped prepare, hearts soothed and minds at peace with practical advice.

When I was still single, I had the fantasy of living alone but always having a warm and welcoming home. Now that I find myself married and a mother to a precious little girl, I am nostalgic for kitchens and dining areas that remind me of my mother's kitchen. Of course, this would mean warm wood furniture, unobtrusive kitchen appliances, functionality with down-to-earth, homey styles . . . and a bunch of wild flowers stuck in a jar somewhere.

I want Oona to know how it is to come home, plunk her school bag on a chair and tell me all about her day as she gobbles a snack and I start preparing the family dinner. As it is, at 14 months, she likes playing under the kitchen/dining table. She listens in on the conversations of her mother, father, grandmother and nanny. She offers her babbled opinions every now and then and pokes our legs to let us know she's still there. Whether we're cooking, eating or typing away at a laptop, she'd be right there, camped under the table, among the chair legs.

I look forward to having midnight coco in my pajamas talking over the serious business of a first love or deliberating over college courses with Oona and her siblings (hopefully soon!). I can't wait to be solving crossword puzzles with a cup of coffee at 2AM, waiting for the last kid to come in after a concert. Or making anti-hangover specials for someone who came in four hours after their curfew, reeking of way too much beers, hunched guiltily over black coffee, waiting for me to read them the riot act. God forbid my kids have my spunk! But I DO truly look forward to it all, including cooking their lunches for school and baking cookies (Cookies? Bake?! ME?? Quick, someone pinch me!). Well, I'm sure there are idiot-friendly contraptions nowadays for people like me who can basically cook but can't whip up a chef's masterpiece.

My husband would laugh and tease me no end if ever he reads this. He's never seen me take the initiative with ruling the roost, so to speak, let alone cook everyday. But since his Mom lives with us and she likes to cook for the family, I can understand her sentiments enough to know it warms her heart to see us gather round to eat together and enjoy her food. And I know, it will be my turn soon enough, to have my own kitchen and rule the roost. Nowadays, I share the crown with the hubby and his mom, but mostly, it's Oona who wears that crown most.

Currently, we are paying for a pre-sold condo home at nearby Beacon (so near, we pass the construction site everyday). It's amazing how it feels, to watch your investment for the future rise from the foundations going up, up, up! Before we know it, it will be our floor that's going to be done and the condo guys will be calling us to go over the specs we want for our new home. So this early, I'm already looking at lovely stuff I want for our own first home, interior decorating it in my head.

Most especially, I would finally be able to have a kitchen, a hearth of my own! Sure I'd still be sharing with Mama, my hubby's mother, but I would have picked the tiling, the cabinets, the stove, the everything! Besides, it doesn't take anything away from me to share the traditional domain. It makes for incredible conversations when we're cooking together, even now. For sure, since it's a condo and we have kids running around, we'll have appliances that would be space-saving and child-friendly (if not child-proof).

I'm glad I'm a net surfer so it's easy for me to find things I like and hopefully buy, when the time comes for moving in. The condo's already fully furnished in my head! Although I'd love to go out and "get dirty", walking around to hunt down furnishings, drapes and sinks, it really isn't realistic for me nowadays. It helps that the ever-reliable Shopwiki's there. I don't have to go all over the place to find something I need, they already have stuff from on-line stores all across the web, centralized in one website. Think your very own, friendly, reliable on-line warehouse with goods from all over the world in one place! The interface is very user friendly and very informative.

I would also suggest fully reading through the Shopwiki shopping guides as it also helped me decide which ones I can do without and which ones I would definitely need for condominium living and the lifestyle that I want. What's noteworthy for me is that they help promote Green Living with earth friendly products! Definitely for us earth mommas! They also support advocacies and causes near and dear to our hearts, like this October's Shopping for a Cause is about Breast Cancer Awareness. So think pink while shopping and beat shopper's guilt by saying: "It's for a cause!"

From the bedrooms, to the curtains to the little reading corner I want to have (with a computer, naturally!), I have bookmarked a dozen pages or so from this shopping guide! Too bad our bathroom's not big enough for a bath tub or a home spa . . . Oh well, I'll keep that in mind for the next house! :D

All in all, I truly look forward to making our new house into a home, where my daughter, her siblings, their friends and everyone we welcome into our midst, would feel the love and warmth radiating from the heart/h, filling up tummies, minds and spirits with food for the body and nourishment for the soul.

THE FIRST NINE MONTHS: THINKING ABOUT PARENTHOOD

RF and I didn't plan on becoming a couple. Nor did we plan to become parents. We wanted to have children but were unsure as to if and when we'll actually have them. I was more unsure than RF but towards the end of our first year of marriage, I was already thinking about it. We weren't using protection or any method to avoid pregnancy, but we weren't really going for gold.

I found myself looking at my tummy in the mirror sometimes. I was thinking how my belly, full with child, would look like. Of course, later on I would be sadly disappointed and would shy away from pregnant belly portraits that's still all the rage today because I just looked like a very fat woman who waddled like a very fat duck. But I wouldn't know that then!

I was fantasizing about what I would wear, recalling how my mom would look in her nice, long shifts. Nevermind later that I couldn't possibly wear her old preggy stuff. I was too large and overheated that I wanted shorter, lighter dresses with a bit of cleavage (Ha ha!).

True, fashion concerns are not the meat of it. But everything, no matter how seemingly trivial it is, matters. It contributes about how you feel about the whole thing.

One of the very few things we thought about before we actively tried to have Oona, was if we were ready for parenthood. As individuals, as a couple . . . was our marriage ready to welcome the responsibility and strain of raising another human being?

We had our fights. We had our preferences. We enjoyed our lifestyle. Was our lives big enough to share with someone else?

It does sound selfish, but they're actually realistic and honest questions I felt I had to answer. I wanted the chances of regret anytime in the future to be significantly small. Whether I wanted to or not, I didn't want our future child/children to consciously or subconsciously feel in any way that I blamed their birth for anything I might miss out on.

Exploring my feelings, I knew my life would change profoundly after having a child. I knew there were a lot of things I wouldn't be able to do anymore and a lot of things that would remain dreams. I would give up things, miss out on things and maybe regret things.

What about my career? I felt like a hotshot, with the world at my feet. I had so many dreams, plans . . . isn't motherhood going to stifle me? Wouldn't it hold me back? I run with the wolves, outstripping bulls and facing down everyday mayhem. I loved that life! What would happen to me when I suddenly stopped?

I felt a part of me would die but I had to face and deal with it, lay it to rest for my child's and my sanity's sake. I've read far too many disgruntled mother/housewife stories to want that for myself. Although I have no illusions about the future, even then, I would make damn sure I don't end up unhappy at the very least.

Me, as mother, being unhappy would affect how I would be as a Mom and a wife. I don't want my kids to hate me or wish for a different mother. Which begs the question, what kind of mother would I make? I've heard too many stories of horrible mothers too. What if I wasn't meant to be a mother? I really didn't want to find out when I already had a child that I would be unable to care for and love! Needless to say, I had a lot of angsts.

RF was a lot easier. He swanned gracefully, almost without effort, into the role of Dad. I would say Fatherhood becomes him . . . even the impending Fatherhood gave him an extra Oomph!

We talked about how our plans for the future would change, little knowing that talk barely just covers the possibilities, but it greatly helps.

At least, we nailed down the basics:
1. We love each other no matter what.
2. We're in it together.
3. We'll do our very best, always to the best of our abilities.

There would be less dates, unplanned trips, splurges or even drastic career shifts. Everything would be revolving around the welfare of the child and family, more than the pleasures we used to fantasize about. Very practical, very discipline life, very safe and I feared, very dead-end for me.

Then one night, I was home alone as usual, RF being on his night shift. I realized that despite all this worrying, I was really giving the baby and motherhood matter serious thinking. I wasn't shying away from it at all. For me that was an indication that I cared about the life we were bringing into the family. Family! We were going to be a family, our OWN little fan's club! Terribly exclusive.

I laughed, then I cried. I suddenly felt that I wanted it to be real at that very moment. Did this mean that I was ready? Hahaha. Right. Knowing what I know now, nobody's ever ready for motherhood. I also still believe that there are people who can't be parents but now I know, I'm not one of them.

What I realized then was that my heart felt so full of love and the cup that RF and I share, doth runneth over. (Ugh! Cheeeeeese!!!) There's really so much love to give and it's such a shame to waste on what now look like trivial pursuits that wouldn't make a difference a hundred years from now.

***

A part of me did die, but it was a welcome death. What mattered to me was that I found that a whole new part of me sprung up to live. Being a mother had its own adventures and did I really mind giving up late nights, hungover-sick mornings and going home to an empty house?

There are a myriad ways to fulfill oneself. I still don't know how my life would find expression aside from being wife and mother, but I'm not afraid to find out. I'm actually excited.

But above all else, pouring the love RF and I share to this amazing little girl is all that truly matters to us.

My Time Capsule

Tagged by Mec

RULES:

1. Answer the question below:

If you are to leave an important memory, what would that be?

I can't help it! I have to put this and my baby popot, Oona! If only just to prove that miracles do happen and plans, even if they don't go the way you want them to, ultimately has a better way of turning out. Yes! Falling in love and having a family wasn't in my plans. But here I am! Loving every minute of it!
Made this for our 7th Valentine's Day together. "Celebrating Evolution" was how RF described holding hands. "Imagine," he had said casually while walking around during our spare-change dates, "The dinosaurs died and gave way for humans to evolve through the ages, to this point in time, to us. To something so simple (but infinitely meaningful) as holding hands..."

I melted. Here I was, no newbie to the lines guys spout off and I just melted. It was certainly the most original and it struck me two ways at once: straight to my brain and my heart. I think that was the most romantic thing anyone ever said to me. A bit on the brainy-geeky side, but so what? I think it was then that I really knew I was totally into the guy. To this day, I don't know if he knew what an impact that made on me.

And the surprise Christmas child! She's our late Christmas present, supposedly conceived around Christmas time. I found out I was pregnant a few days after New Year. Sometimes I can't believe she's mine! Never, in all my dreams did I even see her coming. Being a wife is an adventure, but being a mother...ibang lebel na ito! It's a whole different dimension altogether.

I know I'm supposed to put just one, but one cannot do without the other for me. My hubby and my baby are the memories I have that are forever intertwined and inseparable. They are as one.

2. Copy the entire list and add your name below the person who tagged you. Then tag at least 5 friends (But you can tag as many as you like) and visit their blog to let them know you tagged them.

Bloggers who shared their important memories 1.)Kaptyurd 2.)and so I am 3.)Princess Vien 4.)Princess Bela 5.)Our Journey to Life 6.)My Planet Purple 7.)Women Xplore 8.)Crazy, Happy ARevalos 9.)MEComposing 10.)Hope This Helps You 11.) Mommyluscious 12.)add your site here

I am tagging Rei, Jonas, Johnny, and Pheng!

tip: to easily get the url, right click on this page, click on VIEW SOURCE... and just ctrl F on the keywords that you'd copy... ahehe

THANKFULLY BLESSED LIST: FRIENDS

4. Friends

New ones and old ones, the ones that remain through it all. Pressure counts for a lot, makes diamonds and breaks coals.

I'm thankful for this time, and all the other chapters in my life when something highly intense happens. I am shown what my friends are made of and who they are. Adversity brings out the worst in people, it's true. But it's when the best in people shine the brightest.

I am thankful, deeply grateful for the blessings that have come my way through these people; who, but for a chance meeting or quirk of circumstance, would have been total strangers, not bound to me by blood or other, more tangible relation.

These people are the ones who restore my faith in the human race; replenishing the hope that maybe the world is not going to end anytime soon, that the spark of human kindness continues to burn in the heart of this cut-throat, modern civilization.

You guys know who you are. And in case I haven't told you enough, THANK YOU.

***

Thus ends my THANKFUL series. Of course there are a lot of other things I'm thankful for. The experiences, for example. I've been taught a lot of things over periods like these. But above all, these are the things I'm truly thankful for.

What are YOU thankful for? Have you conted your blessings lately?

THANKFULLY BLESSED LIST: FAMILY

3. Family

It's a classic scenario. Growing up, we wish we had different parents, different siblings, different upbringing, different households...different anything from what you have at the moment. Ad nauseam.

You swear you'll never do it like your parents did and are horrified by the saying that we all grow up to be our parents. We have sibling rivalries. We ignore some, fight some, rival some. But when you finally grow up, certain things fall into place. You realize that no matter what, someone's got your back.

Of course it's a given that you all love each other (to each his own way of loving, though). Growing up begins to take away the cringe-worthiness of expression little by little. It's easier to reach out, easier to understand. It's easier to recognize the bonds that hold you to the family that bore you.

They say this happens especially when you have a child of your own. I agree. I still draw the line at becoming my parents but for all I know, I just might turn out that way (which one, I wouldn't know). I'll probably have to ask my daughter (and other children, hopefully) when we get to the stage when we're finally not killing each other over curfew.

THANKFULLY BLESSED LIST: MY HUBBY

2. My husband, my true love.

RF and I never meant to become a couple. It's still a source of wonder, joy and amazement for me that we've lasted this long. I'm not bored nor tired of being with him. If anything, I need and want more of him to myself as a wife, his partner and best friend. I need and want more of him for our family as a Father and haligi ng tahanan as the saying goes, because he's doing it so well. If I am the Mother, the light of the home, he is our foundation, strong, firm, and holding us together, as lovingly as only he can.

We miss that he works nights and for extended shifts. But through it, he does more than enough to make sure that we are a family. It's a side of him that began to emerge from our early days as a newly-wedded couple; emerged in full at Oona's birth and continues to amaze me as we continue growing through experiences and situations as a family.

Sometimes, I wonder, in a fit of nostalgic disbelief, how and why I find myself married, with a child and all but domesticated. I had no plans for this, nor did I dream of it.

Then, when I look at the two of my most beloved sleeping amidst a sea of toys, baby bottles and blankets in a glorious mess, I am thankful and relieved for this undreamed of present-future.

THANKFULLY BLESSED LIST: OONA

As promised.

There, but for the grace of God, go I; as the adage goes.

I was feeling terribly down yesterday and because I refuse to totally succumb to a black mood, it got me to counting my blessings. I'll be posting this as a series as it's too long to post in one go!

1. My child.

Oona was an unexpected Christmas present.

Every time I see her antics and her four-toothed smile, I can't help but feel wonderfully, totally blessed. While maybe it's true that a child at her age can't help but love the people she's with (if they are capable of categorizing things like this at this age), babies and children in general, seem to have that infinite capacity to love.

They're so intense.

A smile, brilliant as the sun, as good as yells, I LOVE YOU! All caps, bold and underlined. With little flashing lights and a big red arrow. It's as intense when they cry, of course. But it's amazing how, when you're the focus of that smile, your whole world stops, flowers bloom and sappy as it's getting, but you can swear that angels laugh along with her.

Love Makes The World Go 'Round

Mec tagged me with this blog award.

Behind the award, is a wonderful story of love and survival of a little boy given another chance to live through a heart donor.

Please help raise awareness for Organ Donorship in the Philippines and abroad.

I am tagging the following people and giving them this award for being great Moms, Dads and Human Beings: Pheng, Den, Jonas, John and Johnny.