Saturday, September 11, 2010

I Miss You, Mom.

Oona said it in such a clear, small voice with the simple sadness as can only come from a child. I suppose my heart will just keep on breaking whenever I recall how forlorn she looked, complete with trembling lower lip and tear-filled eyes.

I sometimes forget how much of a baby she still is and that she still drinks from a bottle.

She amazes me so much, each and every day.

It's my fault she also says she's sad a lot these days. I know I'm tired all the time and I've been caring for Olly more than I've been able to attend to Oona. It's no excuse. It's not that I've been neglecting her, I just don't have as much time, energy and patience as I used to. I know that other moms are busier but are successful at the balancing act but I'm just barely keeping it together.

I really wish I could split myself in two equal parts now that Oona's growing up and simply exploding with energy, questions, new ideas and emotions. I really wish my powers could extend my physical, emotional and intellectual stamina to encompass both of the girls. I really wish I could change relationship gears at lightning speed between adult, toddler and infant. I really wish there was more of me to go around. The BEST of me always.

But right now I feel really horrible. I'm such an ogre when I lose my temper. I yell, I lash out. I can be such a bitch. Yes, to a three year old.

Now this same forlorn little girl just carefully covered me up, sharing her big blanket because she knows it's cold and my feet freezes. Then she snuggles up to me under the covers and says she wants to hug.

I really, really, REALLY feel guilty now.


Ute said...

oof... how'd you do the social plugin for Red Empire? - Ute