Sanity Blogging

In between snorting down food like a vacuum cleaner, sprinting to the bathroom for personal necessities whenever the kids permit, attempting to sidestep parenting pitfalls with raising the toddler and being the infant's chew toy, I somehow manage to blog.

How the hell does one fit blogging among all the million other things already crammed into the day?

I have NO frikkin' idea.

All I know is, if I can update my stat messages, I can probably blog. I realized I've been micro-blogging at plurk and facebook anyway, so might as well REAALLY blog, right?

Besides, if I don't create some quiet space for myself, I *will* go nuts. I mean, I love being a SAHM but when you begin spending the day in pajamas, smell like stale milk (and don't even know it), tune out when the kids do a hyperactive chorus and you can't wait until the sweet little things are knocked out for the day, IT IS TIME FOR A BREAK.

It can really get overwhelming. With all the love in the world alive in your heart, you will still have days when you just want to scream. Or not talk at all. Silence can be so precious when you have a toddler who has just realized the wonder of words and how to generate an endless stream of questions.

Blogging makes one feel connected to the self, like you can hear your own thoughts again. You somehow feel connected to other people too when someone comments and shares sentiments with you, albeit online. It's also a fine substitute to talking to yourself if you're hankering for adult company. At least with blogging, nobody's going to think you're cuckoo because you're pretending to talk to someone at an attempt at adult conversation. So, I blog.

But if you find yourself hearing voices or your babies begin sounding like Stewie to you, GET HELP. Lolz.

I do envy the super moms who can breeze through the day without a crease, frown or wrinkle on perfect faces, dresses or figures (nor a prescription for sedative of choice). While I'm lucky enough to have my family around me to help and I married a man who's brave enough to face laundry, I still wish there were more hours in the day AND there was two of me. AT LEAST two, with an option for a third clone. Someone please tell me the perfect home maker does not exist without a battalion of nannies, secretaries, aides and maids!

If budget permits, my conviction says I would hire a maid as support staff, but not a nanny. I still feel that my kids are mine to raise, fuss over, yell at and with.

Anyhoo...

So. How sane are you today?

Parallel Universes - What If?

Let's play pretend.

In a parallel universe far, far away, I am still single at 31. I may or may not have a steady boyfriend, but I sure am not lonely. I go out with friends, officemates or by myself to clubs on most nights just because I can. I'm a known regular, on first name basis with the doorman, bartender and staff of more than one bar and I have my own tab.

I'm an executive at an advertising agency or a production house. I do paperwork but can pull my own weight on the field. I secretly want to be Indiana Jones so I'm taking up my anthropology masters degree.

When I'm not at work, school or living it up, I can be found at home. I have my own pad. Small but all mine. Next door are my best friends. We bought the property and divided it among ourselves. I read, write, paint or draw when the muse so moves me. I enjoy a glass of wine on the patio and a good conversation when my friends are around as well.

On weekends, I go to the beach whenever I can. Surfing season finds me leaving work on Friday to head straight to the surfing camp four hours away. I arrive at night, have a good dinner and sleep til dawn when I wake to catch a good wave.

My family lives in the same house we've lived in since we were kids. I spend weekends there every other week or they go to the beach with me. I have nieces and nephews and godchildren galore so the family home is a riot especially on sundays.

I retire by 45, squirreling away funds to buy property and set up a business. I grow to a venerable old age living on an island 5 minutes by outboard from the mainland, surrounded by trees, ocean and my p's: poetry, pantings and pottery. I die peacefully in my sleep.

A nice, tidy, colorful existence. But no RF. And definitely a given, no Oona or Olly. I wouldn't even have known how it would feel to wake up at odd hours, be bone tired or as frustrated as Oona in the middle of a communication crisis. I won't worry about pedia visits, vaccines, hospitals or natural remedies. There would be no child-made messes, poopy diapers and I would always smell good. Not like right now, you'd know I'm *this* deep in milk, toddler snot and diapers!

But it would be a given too, that there wouldn't be good morning kisses or hugs just because. There wouldn't be silly nonsense games where you both end up laughing. No tickling before bed. No amazement at every little thing. No excitement and wonder that comes so easy for children and how generously they share it with you.

I guess it depends on how you look at it. On one hand, ignorance could be bliss. On the other, I may have lost something infinitely better and was never the wiser for it. Who knows?

Anyhoo, that's one parallel universe for me. I know I got a lot of alternate realities in existence out there.

So what's yours? :)

Seventeen Again

I am losing weight. I will have my 17-year old body back, with the strength and stamina to keep up to the physical demands of a toddler and an infant hell-bent on conquering gravity. All this is possible, attainable and on a timeline of one year. From now. And no, I'm not crazy or suicidal.

Let's break it down.

At first it started as a desire to be more present as a positive figure for the kids; to be more active and not just cope with my role as mother and homemaker. I wanted more energy to lead a more productive, positive life to set an example for our growing girls. Lately I've been feeling so run down that I haven't been at my best. I mean, I have a strong personality and can be cantankerous. But lately I've been cranky, short-tempered, easily frustrated and impatient. More than usual! Especially since the girls have just had a bout with the cold bug, I'm just plain exhausted. I do have help from my family, but I still feel drained at the end of the long, long day.

Things kind of snowballed from there. I realized that I wanted so much more for the kids, for RF, for our family. From life, for our life! For myself! Self-examination really does cook up a lot of food for thought! One small decision makes a lot of ripples, affecting everything in our lives. One small change makes a huge difference.

I know it's not going to be overnight nor is it going to be easy. But I also know it's going to be interesting and so worth it, a year from now!
Even reaching just half my goal at that time would be fantastic. I'm not sabotaging my motivation, mind you. I'm just being realistic. I'm keeping my eyes on that cheese but I won't kill myself over it. Also, I'm still going to be breastfeeding Olly. All changes would have to consider her health and well-being as well.

Now, at 31 years old, I weigh about 180 lbs. at my height of 5'1. (Ugh. I just revealed to the world what, until now, only my medical records know!) At 17, I was 120 lbs. Wow. Saying 14 years of poundage sounds better than saying by exactly how much I'm over the right weight!

Good GOD.

That there, are 60 lbs. of bad food and bad habits, sneaking up on you. You'd think 4 lbs a year wouldn't be so bad!

So my goal is to lose 60lbs in 12 months. 5 lbs per month, 1lb a week.

*long pause*

Can I lose in 1 year what took me 14 years to gain?

I Miss You, Mom.

Oona said it in such a clear, small voice with the simple sadness as can only come from a child. I suppose my heart will just keep on breaking whenever I recall how forlorn she looked, complete with trembling lower lip and tear-filled eyes.

I sometimes forget how much of a baby she still is and that she still drinks from a bottle.

She amazes me so much, each and every day.

It's my fault she also says she's sad a lot these days. I know I'm tired all the time and I've been caring for Olly more than I've been able to attend to Oona. It's no excuse. It's not that I've been neglecting her, I just don't have as much time, energy and patience as I used to. I know that other moms are busier but are successful at the balancing act but I'm just barely keeping it together.

I really wish I could split myself in two equal parts now that Oona's growing up and simply exploding with energy, questions, new ideas and emotions. I really wish my powers could extend my physical, emotional and intellectual stamina to encompass both of the girls. I really wish I could change relationship gears at lightning speed between adult, toddler and infant. I really wish there was more of me to go around. The BEST of me always.

But right now I feel really horrible. I'm such an ogre when I lose my temper. I yell, I lash out. I can be such a bitch. Yes, to a three year old.

Now this same forlorn little girl just carefully covered me up, sharing her big blanket because she knows it's cold and my feet freezes. Then she snuggles up to me under the covers and says she wants to hug.

I really, really, REALLY feel guilty now.

How's Your Baby Sleeping? And Free Gift From J&J :)

Oona and Olly hadn't been sleeping well lately due to their recent bout with the cold bug that seems to be going around. What helped them through the nights of stuffy noses, occasional fevers and general discomfort was a drawn out bedtime routine. That, and a lot of paglalambing. You know how it when anyone's are sick, they really love being babied! :D

Now that they're better, the bedtime routine is somewhat back to its normal pace. Some quiet play before washing up or a bath (depends on their level of activity before bedtime), brushing teeth (for Oona), change them into pajamas, a fresh diaper for Olly and then our lights are dimmed. Sometimes Oona picks a book to read with me or we just lie down talking about the day quietly while Olly rolls around, expending the last of her energy and winding herself down. Then Oona has a small bottle of watered-down milk to drink (I'm gently weaning her from having it at nighttime) and Olly breastfeeds, both nodding gently off to sleep as we cuddle all smooshed together in bed.

I really appreciate that I have all the help I can get from everyone around me and everything I use to help them feel better really works. There's the aciete alcamforado, the aciete manzanilla and the J&J Baby Bedtime Wash and Oil. The scents relax me too so all of us are more relaxed before floating off to sleep and we wake up really refreshed in the morning.

Yes, I could do with longer sleep myself. But without the help I get, I can't imagine how much more frazzled I'd be and how much the quality of sleep my babies get would suffer.

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