Sanity Blogging

In between snorting down food like a vacuum cleaner, sprinting to the bathroom for personal necessities whenever the kids permit, attempting to sidestep parenting pitfalls with raising the toddler and being the infant's chew toy, I somehow manage to blog.

How the hell does one fit blogging among all the million other things already crammed into the day?

I have NO frikkin' idea.

All I know is, if I can update my stat messages, I can probably blog. I realized I've been micro-blogging at plurk and facebook anyway, so might as well REAALLY blog, right?

Besides, if I don't create some quiet space for myself, I *will* go nuts. I mean, I love being a SAHM but when you begin spending the day in pajamas, smell like stale milk (and don't even know it), tune out when the kids do a hyperactive chorus and you can't wait until the sweet little things are knocked out for the day, IT IS TIME FOR A BREAK.

It can really get overwhelming. With all the love in the world alive in your heart, you will still have days when you just want to scream. Or not talk at all. Silence can be so precious when you have a toddler who has just realized the wonder of words and how to generate an endless stream of questions.

Blogging makes one feel connected to the self, like you can hear your own thoughts again. You somehow feel connected to other people too when someone comments and shares sentiments with you, albeit online. It's also a fine substitute to talking to yourself if you're hankering for adult company. At least with blogging, nobody's going to think you're cuckoo because you're pretending to talk to someone at an attempt at adult conversation. So, I blog.

But if you find yourself hearing voices or your babies begin sounding like Stewie to you, GET HELP. Lolz.

I do envy the super moms who can breeze through the day without a crease, frown or wrinkle on perfect faces, dresses or figures (nor a prescription for sedative of choice). While I'm lucky enough to have my family around me to help and I married a man who's brave enough to face laundry, I still wish there were more hours in the day AND there was two of me. AT LEAST two, with an option for a third clone. Someone please tell me the perfect home maker does not exist without a battalion of nannies, secretaries, aides and maids!

If budget permits, my conviction says I would hire a maid as support staff, but not a nanny. I still feel that my kids are mine to raise, fuss over, yell at and with.

Anyhoo...

So. How sane are you today?

UPDATES and RENOVATIONS UNDER WAY!

Yes it's been quite awhile since I've been around. So much has happened and is still happening that I only really have time to check email and my facebook account. THAT'S IT. So updates in a nutshell would be:

1. I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant...between 5-6 months. Surprise baby, baby! Needless to say we're happily surprised and anxious, given how difficult the first pregnancy was.

2. Oona is 2years and 2months and is proud/excited to be big sister.

3. While I'm still mobile, I'm happily driving around in the little red family car. I terrorize all along the highway hell that is EDSA, plying the QC-Makati-QC route almost everyday to bring hubby to work and back home.

4. Still happily not working and relieved to be off my feet, so to speak. I'd rather use my precious time, blood, sweat and tears to raise my kids than raise other people. I'm happy to leave the conquering of new territory to others and the world can save itself without me for a good long while. Meanwhile, this new adventure is an awesome experience too good to pass up for ANYTHING. How can you exchange baby kicks and little kisses for a dog eat dog rat race? Yes, even with potty training and screaming mega-tantrums. I'll probably work at home, part time when the little ones permit in the future.

5. Our condo is up and we can move in by 2011. I'm looking forward to out-fitting the place up for our little family. I'm thinking the 3rd room could be our workshop/playroom. I've been daydreaming about getting back to painting. Of course the heavy mediums would be out for now since the kids would be in danger of the toxic materials. So I'll stick to aquarelle, gouache and pencils. The kids can even join me! That would be so exciting!!!

6. RF is going on the CIMA work-study program this coming year. It would accredit him internationally and personally, I think it'll be better than a Master's degree. After he finishes the course, he'll be more than eligible for posting anywhere in the world. A myriad of opportunities awaits him! I'm spanking proud of the hubby and I can't help but be inspired to think about study as well. We agreed that when time, finances and the kids permit, I'll pursue the design courses I've been keeping my eye on. Maybe even get a 2nd degree.

So far, these are the things I can post for now. So much other negative and positive stuff has happened but I haven't the time to expound. Suffice to say, real life has me heavily involved in offline activities so I haven't even gone back to Plurking (sigh). While I do miss my online sisters, it's either the preggy hormones demand I eat or sleep (at least, not forced bed rest) OR wifely/motherly duties prevail. Besides, the BPOs weren't the only ones affected by this year's financial crisis. You really find out what the luxuries in life are and what you can live without.

With Ondoy and Pepeng, we're also trying to help in our little ways. Oona experienced being the youngest "volunteer" at a soup kitchen my sister and her friends participated in for devastated Marikina. My dad has been going around to document the recovering displaced victims of the storms and calling his friends in various orgs to action, focusing on the psychosocial adjustments of children and families. So far, his efforts have not been in vain and they've started with medical missions as well. My mom cooked batches and batches of yummy arroz caldo to distribute to the tent cities around our locality. We may not have much, but we have willing hands, a few bucks for gas to get around and some means to help spread the word around for those in real need. Of course, I'm the designated driver and as much as I want to do more, it's really all I can contribute in my condition. Nevertheless, I'm still happy to have been able to do at least a small thing to help.

Anyway, I'll be renovating this blog and the others as well when real life permits my online life to resume. I do miss writing and I've such a backlog, I wouldn't know where to start when I do get back to writing here again. But I'm ok, the tribe's increasing and we're surviving.

I miss you all and I hope all is well with everybody too. :)

from WM to WAHM to SAHM

that's 'from Working Mom to Work At Home Mom to Stay At Home Mom' to the uninitiated public.

Whew! This past year has certainly been full of surprises! This blog alone, just one facet of my life, has been testament to the major changes that affected all aspects of my existence.

Today i was just supposed to write about the last of my weekend rantings but the more i thought about it, the more i realized it was more than just a mere rant. it's practically a transition from one mode of living to another. You see, in the same long week/weekend that my pc contracted its ongoing disease, my arm gave up on me and my last project almost never saw the light of day, our yaya since oona was born, up and quit.

A lot has happened to warrant her leaving us. Suffice to say that apart from the little things snowballing into big things, she was a great yaya to our little girl up until the day she left. She was conscientious about oona's welfare and well-being, kept oona clean, well-fed and healthy. When oona gets sick, she'd be diligent about medicine, keeping her nasal passages clear, applying hot or cold compresses, hydration and the other million or so things babies need that rf and i were clueless about. She knew how to take care of infants and kids, being the mother of a sickly child herself. She had a lot of good suggestions and insights gleaned from a lifetime of experience being a yaya. We were lucky to have her for as long as we did. However, being human, she was not perfect and neither were we. And there lies the rub, as they say.

To make a long story short, respecting boundaries became an issue in the family. She's become too familiar with us that she increasingly forgot we were her employers. Us, for that matter, found it increasingly difficult to gently deal with her as her attitude was really an indelible part of her. it wasn't that she was evil, it was just that thing when character traits rub people off the wrong way. since we've had her long, she's let her guard down more so she's more kampante. di na pumopormal, like my mother would say. Treating her as part of the family worked only to a certain extent (ensured her dedication to caring for oona), since her behavior towards us frequently crossed the line.

Don't get me wrong, she's really a good person. Strong, knowledgable, caring and would fight for oona to the max should something threaten oona. but i share most of the blame. i should have been more firm with her, more employer-like and less friendly. well, less friendly doesn't mean less kind anyway. it was also my fault for not putting her more firmly in her place whenever she'd cross the line. she comes on too strong kasi, and her opinionated views are more often than not inflicted on everybody non-stop. it's a challenge keeping up in volume and in content when she starts talking. and lately, she forgets that she's talking to her elders and her employers, treating orders as suggestions, pretending she doesn't hear or conveniently forgetting what we say. she would go for her own preferences rather than ours and basically make choices for us.

we did talk to her a bit about these things when it wasn't as bad as it got recently. she reasons well, so sometimes it boils down to a he-said-she-said thing that would just blow things out of proportion if pursued. you know those types of conflicts? when democracy isn't the answer? well, i learned it too late: too much latitude is too much latitude. while it is true that we had our failing as employers, it shouldn't be my burden to try to please her constantly either. i guess i was also afraid that should i show any displeaure, she might vent her ire on my poor little girl. anyhoo, she left only after she herself felt that things were not working out between us all and it was time to go. she said her goodbyes, packed her bags and tried not to cry when oona threw her a flying kiss.

of course, our little girl was terribly upset over the abrupt change. we knew it was something she couldn't name or understand, all she knew was something wasn't right in her ordered world. for a week, her separation anxiety manifested itself in temper tantrums and crying spells. she would be visibly upset if someone said goodbye or anyone left her line of sight. She seemed pretty determined never to be a victim of a broken heart again. I don't blame her, yaya lavished her with much affection and care. The way she cried and clung to us kinda freaked us out so much, rf, me and mamang (rf's mom who lives with us), that we each did our own tradition of warding off usog, loosely translated as unwanted vibes. You know, just to be on the safe side. More than that, we kept oona occupied and comforted whenever she'd feel bad. We took her everywhere we went, including her in all our activities, no matter how mundane. She kept her dad company while he got ready for work, toddled around after me while i did housework (getting in my laundry, 'helping' me clean house using her bib, etc.) and accompanied her grandma on her walks around our condo building.

So far oona's adjusting pretty well now. She's established a new routine, with us filling the void her yaya left. Soon, she'll forget to miss her. It's sad, yes, but these things happen.

As for the rest of the household, we're more relaxed. There's little to no tension among us three. We didn't even realize just how uneasy we've become with each other until she left. All the more that i felt it was really time for this change. You know what they say about people coming into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime, right? Well, yaya was for a season and it was time to let her go and march on without her. Mamang and my mom for one, are happier since they both think she was fast becoming un-disciplineable. No one was going to talk back or give us, especially mamang, lip.

For rf and me, we decided that we weren't going to have another yaya again. Maybe a maid if i get pregnant with kid 2, but definitely not a yaya. We're doing the raising ourselves since we've proven during these past weeks that we could do it and we spent very little time worrying about oona than when we weren't the ones watching over her. I personally feel more like a mother being hands-on like i am now.

Speaking about personal feelings, i told rf that i felt i was really okay making the transition to being full-time with oona. Not that i'm only a mom when i'm with oona, but since the universe was pointing me in this direction, it was definitely time to give up working at home. Sure i could still do rakets, but it must be workable around the times when oona's asleep or she doesn't need me around. I can't do jobs that require me to ignore everything else just to reach a deadline so animation and video editing's out. At least i'm left with writing and a little graphics (when i find the time to get my poor pc fixed), so i won't really starve for creative expression.

Grabe, from assistant studio director of an art studio to full-service freelance graphic artist to my sole lifelong career as mommy to oona, my world got increasingly smaller and my task proportionally all that much harder. But like i told my friends, i'm exponentially happier and satisfied with my life.

I can't ask for anything more than this peace i am so definitely rockin' now!

SURFACING FOR AIR: Mommyluscious Works At Home

It's been awhile since my last post and like a drug, I've had my withdrawals. But I'm glad to be able to at least take a bit of time to slowly get back into the loop.

I've been working extensively for the past few weeks. Just at home but it doesn't make it any less hard nor does it eat less time. The project I got entailed working on graphics and animation whose complications I sorely underestimated. Plus the fact that I haven't done this much in years. And my equipment lacks the necessary plug-ins to respond as quickly as it should have. AND the schedule and requirements for me to do my job with as little to no problems at all was sadly thrown out of kilter by inconsiderate people.

Of course I shouldn't rant so much given that the production has its inherent problems but professionalism dictates that THAT shouldn't be my problem. I have a schedule, a list of requirements and a deadline. If problems should arise, there should be adjustments and compromises to ensure everyone's happy. It shouldn't be that I'm the peon and I should bend over backward to keep accommodating irresponsible people until my back breaks. And it's damn near broken.

Clients should treat service providers better than they do. The mentality of "the client is always right" really sucks because most people abuse that for all its worth. Being reasonable is always subjective but common human decency shouldn't be pushed aside. Problem is, with this kind of mentality, the abuse couples with "taking as much as I can get because I'm the client and I'm always right." So enter delays, irascible demands and immovable, uncooperative deadlines. Then when you don't deliver, you're told you're unprofessional, the cause of delay and they claim it's only right they don't pay you for your troubles. Or cut your fee. Whateverrrrrr!

This made me seriously reconsider if I should really just quit while I was still sane. After all, I did sign up for SAHM-hood and I don't really like missing Oona's milestones while I'm stuck in front of the computer. On the other hand, finances being seriously tight, I keep grappling with the guilt and restlessness of a former contributor to the family funds.

Was I being merely selfish? Or lazy? Or was I being the one unreasonable? After all, work is work, isn't it?

I seriously didn't know I would be thinking about all this when I decided to accept being a SAHM. I also thought there was little difference between a Stay At Home Mother and a Work at Home Mother so I thought the cross-over would be easy. Yeah, NOW I know!

Schedules and routines are much tighter at home, especially since your own movements are structured around the little girl's timetable. She's the ultimate boss. Not me, not RF, not anybody. It's not that she's bossy, demanding or being a brat, but it really is how it goes down with a baby.

When I said I'll take on jobs I can do at home, I thought I considered it enough. Apparently it needs more thought. As my esrtwhile hubby said, working at home isn't a problem nor are my skills. Talent, honed by skill can be polished to full function given a little time so I shouldn't worry about having lost my edge due to inactivity and younger hotshots out there. What I should focus on would be professionalizing my services and sticking to my guns. He says since my time is in the little girl's hands, I can't give it away to people, things and concerns that are infinitely less meaningful than our Major Project: Oona.

I'm glad I married a very supportive and understanding man. When I'm going neurotic and wringing my hands like the worry wart I always become, he'd always try to make me laugh first then think second. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) it pisses me off because my neurosis makes me feel like he's trivializing my concerns then telling me what to do. Later on though, but grudgingly, I'd have to admit he's right on the money.

The world won't change overnight, least of all for me, but what I can do is make sure I'm not forced to sacrifice the things I quit the fast lane for: my ethics, my love for all things art and most importantly, my little growing family. It may sound demanding to others out there that I won't bend my rules, after all, I'm one of the little people and they hold the moolah. I'm merely prioritizing my life. They're not the one raising my little girl and they won't even remember who the heck I am in a month or even less. But my Oona and my RF would feel the vacuum Mom's absence or lack of time for them would create. I don't want to reason later on that I'm doing this for Oona's own good. While it stands to reason, it doesn't comfort me to make that compromise. I'd rather compromise on the side of my family, my core principle.

I decided to be a mother and wife first before committing to being an artist and business person second. So I should stick to it. No exceptions.

So watch out world, this mom's back in business with a vengeance! But always on time for the little girl's play time, feeding time, bath time, sleepy time...

LUSCIOUS BLOG NETWORK ROLL CALL

So what have I been up to lately?

I can safely say that I have a new hat to wear: the Blogger Tweaker Hat. I'm not really a hacker, I can't invent code or CSS to save my life, but I do tweak existing and Already-Hacked Blogger Templates to suit my needs and wants. Sometimes I tweak them to death (not good). An example would be that 3-column template I wanted to convert into something else, I inserted a bit of code and then to my horror, sidebars and widgets ended up all over the place and refused to be reborn into something better than its former existence. As with anything, it had its limits and I had to let it rest in peace after it gave up the ghost in bytes and pieces.

At last I was able to finish revamping three of my existing blogs (Scraps Away, Weekend Wanderings and Luscious Picks) and put up a new blog for my photos named Photoluscious (what else?!). Mommyluscious I think I'll leave the layout alone and just streamline it a bit.

So here's my blog roll call, The Luscious Blog Network (naks!):

Of course Mommyluscious remains my standard bearer. It has since evolved from being the blog of a working mother trying to juggle motherhood and the demands of a growing art studio.

Mommy Laya quit the art studio a few months back. I haven't really covered the experiences and implications the decision to be a Stay At Home Mother presents because I'm still going through it now. All I can say is, there's much more time to spend being a Mother to Oona even if I do spend lots of time on the computer pursuing personal projects.

I'm lucky enough to have a very understanding husband. He does say that he likes me being home more than being a double-income family. Although of course, it would have helped if we financially prepared for my quitting ahead of time. But when you're not happy in a particular situation, there's no contingencies for that. Anyway, I am now a SAHM who's juggling the family budget, trying to find ways and means to add to it via projects I can do at home and with my limitations (time is such a valuable commodity with a baby!).

I blog, do graphics and try to be a mother to Oona as best as possible. I can also say I'm a recovering workaholic. Sometimes I get depressed over finances especially when bills get stacked in my in-box. Sometimes I envy the other people who have schedules and places to go to and things to DO. I know that sounds like a ton of regrets in the future. Honestly, I can't say what will happen ten years down the road, if my decision to quit and stay home will haunt me. But I do know the feeling passes.

Every time Oona achieves a milestone in her young life and I'm here to witness it...no salary in the world matters. Other parents know what I'm talking about. It's different when you're single. It's different when your child discovers she has legs and can run around and the nanny just tells you about it when you get home from work. It's different when it's YOU she runs to with that face split in a smile so wide, it melts your heart, with the look in her eyes that says "Look, MOM! LOOK!!!". :D

Scraps Away is my digital scrapping blog. It's really in my DNA to do something creative and it's to make sure my creative muscles don't atrophy. Nowadays, since I took this crash course in Template manipulation and blog improvement, I haven't been able to update as regularly as before. Rest assured though, I have a couple of LO's already in the pipeline, just waiting to be finished and posted.



To satisfy my wanderlusting, I came up with Weekend Wanderings. Travel is really one of the things RF and I love. We also want to impart to Oona the wonders of the world we live in, our own backyard, most importantly. I'm not really a die-hard nationalista, but I do have an intense appreciation for this place. There's really so much to like and enjoy more than complain about. After all, it isn't the actual place you go to, but the myriad little things that get you there that makes the destination really special.

I put up this blog primarily as a partner to Weekend Wanderings. I find that I really am trigger-happy, just about as much as my husband is with his camera phone. At first, using my N95 8GB was a means to an end since I have a Canon Ixus as well. But I found myself using my Nokia more because it was easier to whip out and I didn't need to carry around extra memory cards just to augment my Canon's 16MB default card. Besides, they're both 5 Megapixels so not much difference when it comes to resolution.

So, I am currently indulging my National Geographic Photographer fantasies using my trusty camera phone with a beautiful 8GB storage space. I did adjust the photos' contrast and saturation a bit with Google's Picasa, but all the photos came from my phone. Someday, I hope to be able to save up for a DXLR, the real sweet deal! Until then, I plan to enjoy this little baby.

Last but not the least, my blog for stuff that I like online and offline. I love a lot of stuff that I can't usually afford, but you don't really need money to appreciate beautiful things. For me, the truly beautiful things are truly useful things as well. Yes, lingerie are useful things. They make you feel beautiful, so there! That's why in this blog, I have lingerie, earth-friendly furniture, baby stuff, make-up and power tools in the same place. I just don't have car accessories or hard-core guy stuff (like jockstraps or whatever only for guys thingies there are). I can't drive and I'm not a guy. Anyway, I put stuff in here in case anybody stumbles on this blog and happens to be looking for something I've already seen. Hope this blog helps!

So there you have it, my starting five. Check them out and let me know what you think! Enjoy! :)

Mommyluscious Goes Mobile

I guess this is my equivalent of the little notebook where you scribble stuff for further elaboration, random thoughts and word doodles.

This is also my contribution to my advocacy as a green mom. I'll be using my PC less when I'm writing my blog drafts. I'll shut it down completely and just use my very capable, very versatile Nokia N95 8GB, publish via Opera Mini (through our WiFi) and edit later.

After all, my excellent DSL service is there to be used! Why not further maximize my resources while allowing myself more freedom AWAY from the desk? I made our DSL into a sweet WiFi deal with a simple router to make sure RF gets a connection anywhere in the house (while he's out smoking, in the living room, while in the loo...did i mention that I'm married to a workaholic? He always needs to check work email!)...So why not make it work for me too?

Especially nowadays, Oona's much more mobile and terribly pro-mommy, I can barely go anywhere without her toddling after me. True she's got her yaya but here's me feeling like others get to spend more time with my daughter than me, her own mother! She's growing up so fast that I'm afraid I might miss out on something while I'm cooped up in the room.

Blogging will always be there for me after all. I can put it off for later, when she's tucked in for the night, when she's bonding with her lola or dad, or she's being fussed over by her yaya. It's not like it's going anywhere, unlike Oona's childhood: so fleeting, so precious, so infinitely special.

I'm glad there are resources like these available to me. It makes me feel so spoiled as a new mom. I'm just thankful at how blessed I am to be able to choose to be there for Oona and still be able to do my own thing. Right now, i am writing this while Oona has her afternoon nap. She wouldn't go beddy-bye without me and would wake up should I try to get up. I am watching her gentle breathing and lovely face and can't think of anywhere else to be...or anything else more blog-worthy than her.

Hehe...I know I sound like I'm such a blog-addict! In truth, while I am building my on-line presence, blogging has afforded me a measure of sanity, an avenue for individual expression and a way to make sure my creative muscles don't atrophy. Especially now that I am technically a SAHM (stay at home mom), I need the extra-curricular activity. I used to be a workaholic too, you see. And while being a mom has a more frenetic, action-packed schedule, the periods of down time could drive a former career person nuts.

By this paragraph, Oona's been up for about two hours. I've fed her, bathed her, changed an incredibly smelly poopy diaper and am currently watching her play by herself. In the interim, I get to jot down a few thoughts here.

Not for long though. Oona doesn't let me off the hook that easily. As soon as she notices I'm sneaking in a few lines, she scoots on over and pounces on me!

So before she starts grabbing for my cellphone (bright shiny mom's toy!) or crying (because mom's cellphone is not a toy, Oona and I am not giving this to you!), I'll be signing out now to be my daughter's activity play center. :-) Later I'll be editing for final post, tags and adding pictures.

Sigh. I just love technology.